Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JustWhelmed]

Hi all. I am enrolled with SANE to get help for me to manage my family; my husband has CPTSD, AuADHD, both his kids are autistic, living part time with their mother who doesn't parent them. I also have two kiddos, who are pretty chillax and also live part time with their dad who is a great parent for the most part. The counselling I have had so far has been SO helpful!

I struggle a lot keeping everything going as it's on me to run the household, make sure my step sons eat semi-healthy food, have showers and brush their teeth (they don't do this with their mother, and are pre teen so.... gross!), do the chores we set for them, stick to screen time. My husband very rarely manages to tell them to do all the basic life admin stuff (chores, hygiene), so I have to harass all 5 in our house to do it, often resulting in husband and step sons NOT doing it (as I ask husband to manage his boys and he doesn't). 

I can recognise many neurodivergencies make it hard for people to do chores, remember things, cause and effect etc, so I try to suck it up and remind them to do the things, even though it irks me to HAVE to, you know?

I appreciate how hard CPTSD is for my husband, and when things trigger an episode he taps out of life which leaves me carrying the load 80% or more.

We always talk through rules, boundaries, routines (super important for my step sons, but good for all  of us) and husband agrees.... but rarely holds up his end.

This week, husband for the first time ever told me I was "ragging at him" 😐 to get my step sons to clean their rooms, put away clothes, have a shower for the first time in TEN DAYS. 

I have basically just tapped out now. I work, have my own ADHD and medical conditions, my two biological kids to wrangle, pets, most of the house/life work..... 

I will of course continue to feed, love, cherish my husband and step sons but I am thinking for my own sanity, I need to just let them deal with the consequences of not tidying their rooms, not showering, not brushing their teeth, not doing homework etc. I spend so much energy driving them and for them to NOT do it...... It sucks as my kids generally do their chores, have good hygiene (for kids lol) and they notice my step sons get let off with most things (husband, not me).

Am I being too harsh? I feel I am just protecting myself; after 5 years of this, nothing has really changed and I still have to bully (kindly, I'm never nasty about it, just persistent!) husband to a) do his own share of the housework and b) get his kiddos on board.

Husband has said if I hadn't come into their lives, his boys would probably still be pretty much non-verbal and have zero screen limits, zero boundaries, and live on pizza..... I don't want that for them, but I do need to retain my sanity! halp!

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @JustWhelmed 🙂

Firstly, I want to acknowledge your strength and resilience in managing such a complex and demanding household. It's clear that you're committed to the well-being of your family, including your husband and stepsons, while also navigating your challenges. That's commendable.

Understandably, you feel overwhelmed and exhausted, especially when it seems like the burden of household management falls disproportionately on your shoulders. You're not being too harsh by recognising your limits and prioritising your sanity and well-being. In fact, it's crucial for both your and your family's long-term health that you take care of yourself.

Setting boundaries and allowing natural consequences can be necessary in encouraging responsibility and accountability, especially when dealing with household tasks and personal hygiene. While it might be difficult to step back and let things unfold without your constant intervention, it could also provide your husband and stepsons an opportunity to realise the importance of their contributions to the household. That's just my opinion.

Other than SANE, do you have any professional supports in place? For you and your family?

[tyme]

Hey there @JustWhelmed ,

 As I read your post, I’m thinking of most households. You know what? Pick your battles.. that’s what I’ve learnt.

I live in a unique situation where I have my sister and her family next door/down stairs to me (so, that’s my sister, the hubby, 3 kids aged 3, 6 and 7, and 2 in laws). I live upstairs to them and we have a shared office space. My sister works 4 days. She does all the cooking, shopping, extra curricular stuff and I contribute to the cost of food. So I just get meals from them.

 Sometimes, when I go there, the house is sooooooo messy. I’m tripping over all the kids’ stuff as though I’m going to trip and smash my face.

i also help her a lot with the kids. And you know what? Sometimes, it’s just not worth it. If the kids are all screaming and don’t want a shower, I end up leaving them. If their rooms are messy, I just walk away. I’m tired of telling them. It’s exhausting! And they aren’t even pre teens or teens yet! So I can only imagine how draining it is for you.

 My sister honestly doesn’t have the energy or time to make them clean and tidy. Let’s just say that her hubby does the bare minimum and doesn’t do anything unless he’s reminded again and again. It’s like an extra child in the house.

 From my experiences, protect yourself. Keep your sanity. You tell them once, you tell them twice? Then leave it. Esp since the other half of their time they do what they want anyway.

 The only other option is that you tell them what happens if they don’t brush their teeth or if don’t maintain their hygiene, and let them decide. If they are into reading it science, you can share dental hygiene videos to show what happens to our teeth when we don’t brush them regularly. This way, they choose. 

 Whatever you decide, I support you. Its certainly not easy.

 Sitting with you.

[tyme]

How are you today @JustWhelmed ?

I wanted to check-in with you this morning 🙂

[Shaz51]

morning @JustWhelmed , thinking of you today ❤️

wow @tyme , thank you for sharing your story 

@lavenderhaze 

[JustWhelmed]

Thank you for your thoughtful response 😊 

I have an amazing boss and an incredible best friend I can talk to about this stuff, so that's always good. I have my last SANE one on one this week which is a bit daunting! But I'm so grateful for the suggestions and perspective my counselor has given me.

I honestly don't think me not chasing everyone to do the basics of life will result in them realising anything, sadly, as husband and the boys just don't seem to think that way (husband and I discuss this a lot, he is always astounded I am thinking 6 steps ahead). But I am feeling more confident about just letting it go; I folded 6 loads of washing tonight, put husband's in with his boys and if they live out of the basket/can't find their clothes..... That's their issue.

I will explain this to husband this week and I know he will actually support me; he knows they suck at this stuff and that I am trying to do it all.

[JustWhelmed]

Thank you Tyme 🤗 I do feel like I already pick battles; I let soooo many things go!

But this feels right, and all I can do is suggest to the boys to shower/brush teeth and yes give them the facts. I have told our 10yo who is science obsessed about plaque, decay, how it all fits together but he/his dad still don't manage it, don't set a reminder so I don't know that I can do much else. Ergh the furry teeth feeling though! 

Our 12yo does seem worried about BO so I will continue to encourage a daily shower (more than one a fortnight would be good) as he now understands others can smell him and doesn't want to get teased. Not sure I have given him the bacteria vs soap/antiperspirant rundown yet so I'll do that and offer to set a reminder, but it's on them then.

Thanks