Supporting wife with BPD

[Hopefulhusband1]

Hi Everyone

After 11 years of doing it alone its comforting to know that I’m not alone in caring for someone with BPD. 

Recently my wife sought out psychological help for herself. It was a proud moment as the 6 she’d been to before had never really helped, as she’d never stuck with them and didn’t tell them everything. As with all carers of a loved one with BPD I’d been the brunt of all blame of her feelings especially when triggered. Before we had our two beautiful children (2 and 4) I had always put it down to persistent depression as she’d been diagnosed and medicated for it 8 years ago. Refused to take medication again as she had side effects. So I’d been trying to manage the environment to keep calm and stable. When our kids came along, I couldn’t do this as well - kids.  I then put it down to post natal depression (twice). Bloody tough as a partner. Also I’m not perfect and by god they have a good memory for every little thing you’ve ever done 😄 but can never remember the 99.99% of awesome stuff you do for them everyday.

I took a look at the results from the psychometric evaluation and even though the psychologist didnt tell her it was bpd she did give the schemas. Looked them up in the DSM 5 and yep BPD. I’ve done a lot of reading into it and 100% accurate especially the fear of abandonment. So....... She has left me for the second time now and taken the kids quoting that it’s our relationship that causing her pain. I can now see the triggers and understand the actions taken by the psychologist to gain her trust instead of giving the diagnosis. It’s will be another long journey I expect, but this time I have hope as she’s set up regular sessions with the psychologist. I suppose I was hoping to get some advice from the forum on what I should do now, except wait and see? Thanks everyone really appreciate the support

[greenpea]

@Hopefulhusband1  Hi and welcome Hopefulhusband1 to the forum :D. You will find many people here both with BPD and caring for someone with the diagnosis. Have a look around the various threads (you might like to start on the Good Morning! thread - it actually goes on for 24 hours lol :D). The people are friendly and kind and very welcoming so when you are up to it why not say Hi!.

Just one thing when you are wanting to talk with someone put a @ in front of their name like I did for you. It will send a notification to the person that you have sent them a message. I think that is about it. Hope to see you around. greenpea 🙂

[Hopefulhusband1]

@greenpea  Thanks so much greenpea for the advice and support. It’s good to know that there are others on the forum that understand. I know there’s not much I can do at the moment except learn as much as I can and hope that she works with the psychologist and becomes enlightened. It would be good to know from other members what happens after a partner with BPD becomes enlightened to the illness. I’d expect it would be quite confronting and probably lead them into depression again realising the pain they’d caused others? I’m supporting still by giving space and taking the kids when she has psychologist appointments. Outside of that I’m looking after myself and learning how to establish boundaries with my psychologist. Thanks again and I’ll start reading up on the other posts 😄

[greenpea]

@Hopefulhusband1  Good talking to you 😄

[Hopefulhusband1]

Hi everyone, my situation has deteriorated after my bpd wife left. She is with-holding my time with the kids down to 1 night a fortnight stating they won’t cope being away from her for longer than that. Though I know that this means that she won’t cope with them being away from her for more than 1 night as she’ll be alone. 

I have appealed to her that this is impacting our kids to have a parent removed so suddenly from their lives and denied access. Exactly the same that happened to her at the age of 2 when her mum left, pretty sure with bpd also. So she’s doing the exact same thing to our kids as she was hurt with. I got no response or acknowledgement and worse she has stopped therapy. I figured that hearing that she is hurting the kids like she was would have been the detrigger.

So I’m left in the difficult position where I’m seriously concerned about our kids remaining in her care as the primary carer and believe I need to seek interim orders through the courts to that effect to get custody. I feel that our kids (2 and 4) need emotional stability as a priority. Down side she says she thinks about suicide all the time but would never do it because of the kids. I feel I need to protect the kids foremost. She also believes that she and her sister(also undiagnosed bpd) are white witches. Even with matching broomstick tattoos. Not sure if this is part of bpd, however is dillusional, though they honestly believe it, which in turns worries me further. I could provide a strong role model when I was there to compensate it, but now that she’s left with the kids I’m worried.

Does the the forum have any experience or advice in what I should do?

[Hopefulhusband1]

@Determined . Hi Determined, based on your experiences is the dilusionable bit normal? Also,I expect I already know the answer, but if your wife had left would you have been comfortable with the kids remaining with her?

[Determined]

Hi @Hopefulhusband1 and sorry to hear things have deteriorated for you the way they have. 

I can't say that my darling has had any delusions of that magnitude or type. at least not that I am aware of. Most of our dramas stem from rejection and perceived slights. Certainly there are delusional aspects to that but specific to rejection and interpersonal relationships. 

Re if she had left would I have been comfortable with the children being with her. That's a tough one and I think is very much situational (for us).

There was a time when this was a very real possibility and I firmly believe an unexpected pregnancy is the only thing that saved us. In that instance I was preparing to do everything in my power to keep the children out of a potential toxic environment. The 'friend' that wanted darling to leave me for her had a drug dependency and a constant stream of men coming through her home and was trying hard to get darling tied up in her lifestyle. Not an environment I want my children exposed to as their mother would have been caught up in that lifestyle willingly or not. Also under this influence darlings mental health was deteriorating rapidly due to the narcissistic control that creep had over her. (And I strongly suspect that she may have been unknowingly been drugged herself over a peroid of time). 

If I deemed that the environment they were going to was safe I would have done everything in my power to support them all, including darling, to stay together with that arrangement as, again for our situation and our children's personalities, I believe that this would have been the best option for the children.   

So the short answer is, for me, it would depend on how safe I thought thier enviornment was.  Hope this helps.     

[Hopefulhusband1]

@Determined thanks so much for that advice and sorry to hear of the pain you endured. 

I’m a big believer on what will be will be, and as long as I can have enough custody to remain a positive influence then that is ok with me. Plus very unlikely outside of a psychiatric assessment that the courts would grant prime custody to a father. (Sister in law is a doctor and ex lawyer). I believe I just need to acknowledge the manipulation and be firm with my boundary of wanting to be fully engaged with the kids and if that means going straight into interim orders for just the 4 nights a fortnight based on withholding access then it will set a pretty firm stance which is what they need. 

I have tried the detrigger of her affecting the kids through this so we will see what comes of that first. I used all the advice from out of “stop walking on eggshells”  hoping that it reverts her back to therapy through mirroring back the emotions and acknowledging but not agreeing with her emotions. If it doesn’t then nothing will and I have to do the interim orders. 

Thanks again mate

[Hopefulhusband1]

Oh in regards to the dillusion of being a white witch, I can help the kids with that one. I am a pilot so I can just tell the kids that the broomstick isn’t a registered aircraft and that CASA (civilian aviation safety authority) hasn’t granted mum a license so she’s not allowed to fly 🙂 

[Hopefulhusband1]

Hi @Shaz51 and @Determined , 

not much to report report on my front, same same only wanting me to have the 1 overnight a fortnight with our kids. Can’t allow that behaviour like I did last time she left when she thought I was going to leave her. I pleaded, rationalised, compromised but still nothing. I even tried the detrigger of the kids but nothing. Mediation through a private mediator hopefully will happen in the next two weeks and in between there my solicitor is preparing to do up interim orders, just need the failed mediation certificate. Unfortunately black and white thinking and splitting (devaluing) aren’t allowing her to realise the hurt she is causing to us all..... again. Our 4 year old asked her outright on Sunday afternoon to spend more time with me. Heartbreaking stuff. Not to her though. Anyway I am just reminding myself that 1. I didn’t cause it 2. Can’t control it 3. Can’t change it. 

I just pray that she is still seeing her psychologist and hopefully over time she starts to realise this trigger for what it is and how it effects the rest of us. 

For me its recovery time, regrouping and trying to protect the kids as much as I legally can.