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25-09-2016 02:44 PM
25-09-2016 02:44 PM
At my wits end!
Hello everyone.
Nice forum. I found it via a radio ad. The reason I came here is because im looking for both advice, and anonomous people to vent to when times are tough.
I guess this is my introduction, and my first vent post in 1.
My wife of 7 years is schitzophrenic, and suffers from major PTSD due to being molested by her father until she was 13. These 2 things together have made life extremely tough on her and by extention myself.
I have tried and tried to help her, and in the beginning she seemed to be inproving, but im finding that now she seems to completely disreguard anything I say and keeps on a path of self destruction. 70% of the time, she is a lovely loving person, but she will suddenly and inexplicably go into these moods where nothing I do or say will help.
When she is in one of these moods, nothing it right. Everyone is wrong. She becomes irratrional, controling and argumentive even if you agree with her. Its got to the point where I cant do anything right. Especially on the weekends.
I work 10hrs a day, 5 days a week. She works 8 hrs a week if that. All I want to do on the weekend i relax, but no. I constantly have to be helping her do something. Even if its something she can do by herself, she needs help with it. If I tell her to wait, it sets of her crazy mood and ruins the whole weekend. If I say no, toi anything, it becomes a several hour event with her complaining that I dont love her and attempting to lay guilt trips on me to that effect.
I fell like im being held hostage. I feel like im trapped. I dont know what to do anymore other than leave her. Its impossible to talk about the issue with her, she just snaps and turns it into an argument. I can be talking softly, calmly and I get screamed at "Dont talk to me like that" as if im screaming at her.
I dont know what to do anymore. Even now after ive said I need 1/2 hr to relax she is constantly harassing me to go outside and get soemthign for her. An activity she can do herself, but because im not currently paying attention to her, she wants me to do it.
Weve been to a shrink who diagnosed her with PTSD and gave her exercises to do, books to read, meditation activities ect, but after a month, she just doesnt bother doing it and reports back to the shrink that she is. The shrink insists shes doing well, but her behaviour at home has not changed and she can not see that.
How does one handle people like this?
If I cant work it out in the next couple of months, im afraid I will have to leave her before I have a breakdown myself. Its the last thing I want to do as it would leave her on her own and she wouldnt be able to cope.
Thanks for listening/reading.
NSCC
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25-09-2016 04:08 PM
25-09-2016 04:08 PM
Re: At my wits end!
Hi @NotSoCrayCray,
I'm one of the moderators on the Forum 🙂 Welcome and congratulations on your first post. I think SANE is ideal for venting and support! So I think you're on the right track 😉
I am so sorry to hear how challenging your relationship has been over the years. It sounds like you've tried every possible way to get around these mood swings. It must be exhausting. Do you feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time? Not only do you have this emotional storm to fight through, you're working such long hours as well. I'm not surprised you're feeling fed up and overwhelmed.
I think at the end of the day you have to do what's right for you. And what I mean by that is- not putting her first, putting you first. It sounds like for a long time it's been about her needs. What are yours? If you are struggling to cope and you feel that your wellbeing is compromised by staying in the relationship- then you should go. But it has to be about what's best for you.
Lovely to *meet* you NSCC, I hope to hear from you again- even if it's to vent 🙂 All the best.
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26-09-2016 03:11 PM
26-09-2016 03:11 PM
Re: At my wits end!
Thanks. Yer IMO its probably more about venting for me. I cant really go talking about this stuff with people I know IRL as they either tell me shes a bad partner and get mad at me for not leaving or they judge her for something that they dont really understand. Hell i really dont understand 1/2 the time.
When shes "acting up", yes it can be like walking on eggshels, but mostly because I want to avoid drama, not because im scared. She can get violent but as a former Kickboxer I can handle myself. Its like a child attempting to attack a lion, however emotionally it still gets to me as I can see no rational reason for her anger most of the time.
My needs are simple. I need peace and quiet to relax sometimes and I need time to myself. Unfortunatly even if I sit her down and explain this, and she says she understands and tries to "give me time" within 1/2hr shes going stir crazy and looking for attention. When I get frustrated and tell her shes supposed to be giving me time to do my hobbies she feels rejected and gets emotional or angry...
Whats best for me? Not sure. I own several properties and we live together in one of them. I can easily move out to another but i dont want to do that. I dont want to leave her alone. I saw her how she was before, when she was at her worst and she will go back to that again without a stable influence in her life.
When she first attended the psychologist, i wrote a letter to the psych and the psych immediately wanted to meet me. She visits again tomorrow so I was thinking of writing her another letter. I really want her to get the help she needs but at the same time it seems to be dragging on and bringing me down and im no longer the happy go lucky person I was before.
Thanks for listening.
NSCC
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26-09-2016 05:56 PM
26-09-2016 05:56 PM
Re: At my wits end!
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26-09-2016 06:41 PM - edited 26-09-2016 06:49 PM
26-09-2016 06:41 PM - edited 26-09-2016 06:49 PM
Re: At my wits end!
Hi pip.
Thanks. No she never got to confront him. He died before she started seeking help. She wrote him a letter as advised by her therapist. I think it helped her a little at the time. She wont go on medication, she is dead against it.
Yer MIL knew but is mentally handicapped and didnt really understand. She actually encouraged it on occasion thinking its a game. She also encouraged an uncle to do the same when she was older but by this time she knew better.I dont think she blames herself, not anymore at least.
She has been diagnosed, but its not the "hearing voices" or "distinct multiple personalities" stereotypical type of thing. I mean, she does have a "split personality" but its more like the same person whos age suddenly drops to a childs age. She seems to go back to the person she probably wanted to be and during the abuse. Any form of stress, from a piece of bird shit on her car to an actual disaster can trigger it. Other days the same thing means nothing to her.
I dont really have a personal doctor. I dont go often enough to form a relationship with any of them and when I do go, they barely speak a lick of english and rush me out the door. I doubt a GP would give me the time of day. She does and is seeing a therapist, but its not helping as much as id have expected or as much as it was in the beginning and getting pretty dam expensive. Cost us close to 10k last financial year.
The other issue actually is that there are 3 people in her life, all family members, who knew and IMO are guilty themselves (well 2 of them). I dont really know how im supposed to deal with them. I cant tell her not to see her family. Her therapist did. Im not sure if she should maintain contact with them. The brother was probably too yourng to be able to do anything, so I can let that slide. The Uncle, id like to give a hiding to, but hes a disabled old man who cant even walk these days. The mother, im not sure, as I mentioned, shes mentally handicapped.
Thanks for your reply.
NSCC
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26-09-2016 06:47 PM
26-09-2016 06:47 PM
Re: At my wits end!
Hello,
this is my first post on this forum. Your situation sounds very similar to mine except that it is my adult daughter who is suffering complex mental health issues.
Watching a loved one suffer, trying to help them and yet being dragged down yourself. It really sucks and some days I cry and other days I feel strong. I have suffered from depression over the past couple of years and every day is a struggle to stay well to be able to care for someone who is unwell who doesn't seem to notice other people's suffering. It is so frustrating and exhausting!
i am an expert at walking on egg shells.....not my choice!
every day I tell myself that I have many people in my life who need and love me and I must stay well for me and them.
I hope that you continue to seek support and vent. It does help to know that you are not alone
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26-09-2016 07:03 PM
26-09-2016 07:03 PM
Re: At my wits end!
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27-09-2016 06:20 PM
27-09-2016 06:20 PM
Re: At my wits end!
Hi ,
Its sounds like you are going through a rough time as well. I found SARC ( Sexual Assault Resource Centre) a good starting point for me understanding how abuse affects poeple you are in a relationship with.
You do need to take some down time for yourself to be able to recharge and be there for her. Getting burnt out , exhausted , and feeling like your trapped are normal reactions to your situation. Dont feel guilty about this just accept it as quite normal. Find a hobby or interst go to the gym something just for you even for a few hrs on the weekend . Then you may have more emotional energy to spend with your partner.
Feel free to vent away here ..:-)
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27-09-2016 07:07 PM
27-09-2016 07:07 PM
Re: At my wits end!
Hello @NotSoCrayCray It is absolutely reasonable to expect a quiet weekend after such a big work load .. and that means more than half an hour.
My heart goes out for both of you as you have obviously made a lot of allowances for the sexual abuse.
Attention-seeking and Regression are big issues.
Maybe you can work out a time thing .. to gauge how your weekends are ... and try and get her to stick to it.
Something like ... maybe a third together time ... two thirds solo-male interest/hobby relax etc time.
Yep .. its no good .. if one person uses a therapist to get them off the hook ..perpetually ..
it is called manipulation.
Hello @Tight-Control I havent seen you for ages.
@pip I am so glad that you mentioned you had mixed experiences with sex abuse counsellors .. so have I ... and it put me back a lot ... it is still only 3 months that I have had ... a clear diagnosis of sexual assault as a young girl 7. Before that I kep thinking and being scapegoated for everything my fault.
I also witnessed an incest boy being excused by the mother in my family... very tragic and heart rending... even tho I understood the reasons and their limitations.
I think it is so important to have mixed gender and mixed relationship (eg spousal, partner, parental, sibling etc) discussions about these issues.
It stops some of the very damaging POLARISATION that occurs around these issues.
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27-09-2016 08:24 PM - edited 27-09-2016 08:28 PM
27-09-2016 08:24 PM - edited 27-09-2016 08:28 PM
Re: At my wits end!
Thanks everyone for your advice.
Ive looked at some of the Adult Sexual Abuse Survivors places i found on google. Ill see where it takes me.
Thing is I understand what shes been through and how it had had a huge impact on her whole life. Ive already done my research and im a reasonable rational person most of the time. Knowing about it doesnt make dealing with it a whole lot easier. If i knew less id probably have walked away long ago. The fact I "get it" is what keeps me going and not blaming her entirely for her abnormal behavior.
At the moment, im just mostly frustrated and thats what lead me here. The need for some kind of outlet. Its pretty mentally draining sometimes.
I do wish i could get a break from it all however. Im about to be completely flat out with work for the next 5 - 6 months. Its going to be tough.
Talking to her about it at the "right time" can seem productive, but when the other personality (little girl) shows up it doesnt matter what we discussed earlier, all bets are off.
Thnaks again everyone.
Sorry if I missed something, im trying to use this forum without her knowing. Shed be mortified if she knew I was talking to anonymous strangers about her.
Thanks
NSCC
edit: i might also add, im feeling kinda guilty for all these posts. Should I?
i feel like im bad mouthing her even tho im kinda trying to be kind the way I word things.