Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JustMe48]

I posted a few days ago and got a couple of replies, of which were welcomed.  One from someone who has lived with someone with mental illness and understood from that point of view and one who has recovered and bettered her overall outlook on life.  It's good to have a perspective from both sides.

Unfortunately, my predicament remains.  My mother was sectioned for 8 weeks, after multiple seizures (not-epileptic) over 5 years leading to psychosis, aggression and severe memory loss.  The tests all came back negative for anything medically related ... no tumours, anomalies, nothing ... just sedation, medication and being put on a mental health ward with patients screaming, running around and general chaos.  You could say she fit in well on admission, but then, she changed ...

It was almost like she had a "light bulb moment" where she knew she shouldn't be there.  Started telling my father to take her home, they were holding her captive, she wasn't ill.  She told my dad "Get me out of here in one-hour or our marriage is over", then pretended to be asleep, but on occasion squinted her eye open to check her watch.  She had an awareness right there of what she was doing.  Was all this for real or just the motions of mental health and the manipulation that can be attached to it?

Brief back story again, for those who didn't read my war and peace, my mum has been melodramatic, manipulative, victim orientated, bluffed suicide, been malicious on and off, opinionated, self-absorbed and childish for most of my life.  I became her mother for many years, encouraging her to seek help to no avail, and then quit that role and moved 10,000 miles away to save my own mental health. True story.

What I have seen in the last 5 years, with all the admissions, ambulances, scans, EEGs and multiple tests that have all resulted in nothing, just makes me think that she has got out of control.  I am angry at her, sometimes I feel hate and resentment.  When my father told me she was "perhaps going into special care" some 4 weeks ago because it was for the best, I have to say it was the first time I smiled and was happy.  I almost could say that I was excited for my dad.  Finally, after years of TRYING to tell the family that she was unstable, people were listening and it felt good.  She made a deal with the Devil and the Devil delivered far more than she bargained for.  It would release my father from the burden of her incessant clinging and attention, and he could come and see his family again (we've not seen each other for 5 years).

Then, all of a sudden, just in the last few days, dad says "She's back home, with at-home therapy and care".  I near exploded last night with this revelation.  She'd done it again!  Managed to manipulate everyone and we all bow down and tread softly around her again.  WTF!??  5 years of the complete runaround to end up back at the beginning again.  What?  She ran out of Oscar winning performances?  She had me believing she was dying, my dad said she'd never recognise me ever again, she was going into special care to then ... there's a light out there and the neurologist claims to have seen it before and it'll just take time for her to recover ....FROM WHAT?  My mum doesn't know how to be normal, so where is that outcome coming from?  How does someone who has spent 50 years of their life, getting what she wants and creating drama, just pop back to "There's mum!".  I don't know who that is?  Surely she doesn't know who that person is either?

I apologise to anyone that may find this rant a little unsettling, but I speak my truth.  I am so angry right now.  Five years of turmoil, not seeing my father, watching him bend over backwards for her, and leaving years of mental health to go unattended to end up back here.  So, tell me, is there this wonderful cure for a 75 year old who knows no better?

Yes, her mother was a narcissist too, so I can see the traits clearly, but why?  Tell me the hell why some people choose to be so selfish and continue through their lives to make those closest suffer?  How can I accept that?  We all have a choice ... why choose misery when you have children that needed you?  I don't get it, i never will, but I would love someone to spell it out for me.  I am very open to hearing some realities here, so please do not think for a second I will be offended with any replies.  I need to know all perspectives to this.  It's eating me up, but lucky for me, I won't implode like my mother because I don't quit.

[hanami]

Hi @JustMe48 

I replied the other day and hope you get some more responses. For me it really is a matter of accepting my mother for the way she is. I know for a fact she won't change at her age. She isn't as bad as your mum by the sounds of it, but there are definitely similarities!

I've learned to accept it and I keep my distance. It does make me sad. I have such good relationships with my own daughters and I wonder if my mum looks at that and wishes I was close to her. I wonder if she wishes this was the case she could have some self-awareness and see why we aren't close. I don't know. Sorry I'm not much help in spelling anything out!

Best wishes

Hanami

[JustMe48]

Your replies really do help Hanami, no matter how small the insight. It makes me realise that I'm not alone.

I know I have to accept her as she is, but it's so hard when my father is messaging me with the next episode. I can't get away from it. The only solace I have is that I'm not there because that would be far worse. I was just looking through photos of my mother, when we were children, to see if my mind is screwing things up about my mother, but the photos speak for themselves. She is rarely in them and when she is, she doesn't look genuinely happy in the mum and kid photos, but the ones with my father, full smiles, laughing, fooling around. I don't know if that helped me one bit.

Funny, I've just had a message from my dad, not 5 minutes ago, after posting my forum rant and she's back in hospital after a series of seizures at home. It never ends. It just keeps on going.

Anyhow, thanks so much, Hanami. I do appreciate your responses, and I guess, even if I was just ranting to a silent audience, it kind of helps. Maybe I need therapy?? 🙂

[hanami]

Oh dear back in hospital hey @JustMe48 ! Never ends alright. I can imagine you really are glad you're so far away. Yes childhood photos can tell a lot can't they!

I'm glad my responses help a bit. I think about therapy too to get over my mother issues! 

❤️

[tyme]

Hey @JustMe48 ,

I'm sorry to hear of the current circumstances. It continues to sound so difficult, however, I can see that you have set boundaries so that you will not get 'sucked' into it all. 

As for your dad, it sounds like he will have to do what works for him. If she is happy to care for her and allow her to continue the way she is, then everything will stay there same. I just hope he keeps safe.

You mum really doesn't sound well. Those seizures can have a huge impact on her functioning. Sometimes, it's a bit of a waiting game to see what will come of these seizures and whether the doctors end up finding something.

All we can really do is focus on our own self-care and make sure we 'care' but from a distance.

Please take care.

[JustMe48]

Thanks so much Tyme for taking the time to respond.

I do appreciate your advice so much, as I do anyone who cares to give me some insight. It makes me feel that I'm not going insane with these feelings I have. In the back of my mind, I know, I really do know that I have to keep those barriers strong, otherwise it will consume me, as it did when I lived over in the UK. I can't let that happen now that my life is stable and my family is everything and more to me. My happiness, theirs and just everything that goes with that. Geez, we're living the dream out here! 🙂 I think, I just get frustrated and I need someone to put me in check and say "It's okay to have those feelings".

The seizures are a product of her mental health and nothing medical related. They have said it is non-epileptic brought on with some stressors that only she knows, but seems to not be able to explain to anyone. All her brain scans and everything else are clear. In fact, they have said that she is actually a very healthy person for her age. They are venturing down the 'blocked memory" child abuse track, as there are red flags there possibly, but who knows? We are literally clutching at straws and trying to find answers, it could be, it might not. I guess, when you keep hearing the same old, same old, it gets to the point where you think, is this for real?

I do need to start facing up to the fact that she isn't well and any hope of me getting that "mum" I have so wished for throughout my life probably won't happen. AND yes, if my dad wants to play hero then, I have to accept that, which is a shame because he's my world. Always has been. I guess, I just feel she'd now succeeded in taking everything. Geez, I sound so childish and I am seriously not that person and do have empathy on every level for anyone living with serious mental health issues, but that's the raw feeling inside me and the only way I can explain it.

Thanks so much Tyme. Appreciate it.

[tyme]

Hi @JustMe48 ,

What I've learnt, even in my role, we are not here to 'save' people. Yes, we can guide them, encourage them, share our experiences to give them hope, but we can't change people. We can't do the recovery for them. 

We are not telling you to disconnect with your family members, but more so to make sure there are boundaries to protect both parties. In the long run, your dad may be doing more harm than good if he gives in to everything your mother wants. Yet at the same time, you cannot change your dad either. If he feels like it is his obligation to to that, then so be it. One can only tell him that there IS another way.

And yes, radically accepting that your mum is not well, and maybe never will be, is a way to protect yourself too. You've put your life on hold enough.

As I said, in the past, I could be likened to your mother. Always wanting, wanting, wanting. This was because I was so emotionally unstable. The difference though is that I sought help. I wanted it so badly that I through everything into therapy even though it was terribly hard.

And that's why I've come out the way I have. I will never blame other people for putting themselves first because that was the right thing to do.

So go for it.. Don't let her pull you back.

[JustMe48]

I'll never disconnect. It's seriously not in my nature. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, but I've always been the caring soul who wants to fix things and have tried my damnedest with her to the nth degree. It's like taking an exam over 35 years of your life and failing?? It baffles me.

I think what you did was inspiring and, Tyme, you put faith back into me about how people can help themselves and if my mother was different and hadn't let this thing manifest into a monster, maybe it could have been different for her too. I am so proud of you for what you have achieved and what you did to better your life. I know this comes from a stranger, but it truly hits home on so many levels and makes me happy for you.

I really hope in 12 months I can sit here and say "Hey Tyme, she pulled it together", but history doesn't give me that hope, BUT I take onboard that I can't let it pull me back. My life has to be lived ...

Your words are very encouraging for me. Thank you.

[tyme]

Most definitely. It was just a hard journey @JustMe48 . But it was worth it. It gave me so much meaning to life. Hence I really encourage you to just message her once in a while to say you are there and remembering her. You don't have to necessarily respond. It's just a touch.

Please tag me into your posts so I don't miss your posts. I love reading your posts. You do this by typing "@" in front of my name e.g. @tyme 

[JustMe48]

The idea of being able to message her does seem an avenue to consider, but I am being told she doesn't know me anymore. She has no memory of me, my husband or my children, so my efforts would come to nothing.

I always tell my dad in every message that I send love and hugs to both of them and can only assume he tries his best to relay that to her in whatever form that may be because right now, she doesn't know him either. My dad is not her husband anymore, but apparently is her dad. It's all so very mixed up and confusing right now, but I will still send the love, even if she doesn't quite get it. Thanks so much, Tyme.