Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Cabulos]

I'm new here, I just signed up and I hope it might end up being helpful in some way. I need a bit of help for how I can better help my husband. Or even just suggestions for what resources are out there that might be helpful for him which he won't immediately shy away from. 

My husband is a victim of CSA and for many years he was able to put it out of his mind. For some reason, now we're in our 40's, the last few months he's been experiencing very visceral flashbacks and the memories are just always there, no matter how hard he tries to distract himself.

He also feels a lot of shame and fear, grief for not getting to know who he could have been if it hadn't happened, shame for 'burdening' me with it (despite me constantly reassuring him that I'm there for him no matter what). This morning he said through tears that he was so afraid he was going to get in trouble for telling me what he'd gone through, which I pointed out was probably because he'd been groomed to not tell anyone. That caused a huge shift for him because no one had ever said that to him directly before. 

He oscillated between wanting to know if I believe him to trying to convince me he's making it up and we should forget it. Then saying he suddenly realises how bad it is to do that to someone, but also feeling guilt for 'harming the way the guys family sees him'. 

He's overwhelmed, and so am I. I think he would benefit hugely from talking to a professional but he's just not comfortable doing that yet. But I'm completely at a loss as to how I can help him feel safe and loved and at least a bit comfortable in his life. It breaks my heart to see him suffering like this and at the same time, I'm trying to hold down a full time job (with my own ASD and PTSD) to keep a roof over our head, but I need to be there for him, too somehow. 

If anyone has any suggestions, I'm very open to them. 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Cabulos I'm wondering if there might be a SafeHaven in your area. These are peer lead crisis support drop in centres and they are often very helpful with knowing what resources are available in your area. These are increasingly popping up around the place. They are staffed by peer workers, so very approachable. Could be somewhere your husband might feel comfortable going to have a tea and a chat with someone. 

Good on you for seeking help for your husband, and it's great that he has been brave enough to tell you. 

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @Cabulos 🙂

Firstly, thank you so much for sharing with us, I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to reach out to the SANE forums community - I hope that you can feel welcome and supported in the online space!

Secondly, your husband has been very brave in acknowledging the pain of the memories that have returned to haunt him. I am sorry to hear that he has been struggling to manage the flashbacks, I can only imagine the shame, fear and grief, as you stated, that he is experiencing.

I feel that it is important for your husband to speak with a professional when he is ready, and at the same time I wonder if he may be open to speaking with someone over the phone - perhaps it may feel a little less daunting to share his story from the comfort of his own home, his safe space. The following support services come to mind:

https://www.samsn.org.au/  - for male survivors (this is for men in NSW only - but they suggest if you are out of the area then to still contact them and they can support you in linking up with a service in your area!)

1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) - offers 24/7 confidential support (their website states they may be able to provide referrals to more beneficial services, e.g. targeted for men/survivors of CSA)

The description you gave of the motions your husband has been going through are all so common to survivors of CSA and I love that you were able to validate his experiences as well as the difficulty to share with anyone.

Lastly, if no one has told you yet, or perhaps just today - I want to tell you that you are doing a great job and it is admirable at the empathy you have shown your husband in being such a great pillar of support! In saying this, do you currently have professional supports in place for yourself? This could be important to talk through with someone (although being here on the forums and sharing with us is a great first step!)

Make sure you check in with yourself often to ask 'what do I need right now?' so then you are able to be present when your husband needs support. We are only able to hold space for others when we prioritise that space for ourselves ❤️

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂