Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Mrsjones]

Hello Team, 

How do I keep Mr Jones positive about treatment when he has no hope? 

He is still in the thick of a depressive episode which has lasted since the start of October (the longest one yet) and as a current inpatient at a private clinic he is receving treatment although he has been so unwell the last week that he has not attended any inpatient programs. 

I feel like I am always putting a positive spin on everything negative he says, not only is this extremely exhausting but I dont think it is getting us anywhere. 

Im sure there is no magic wand but how do I get him to see that even though it does not seem like the case right now... there is greener grass on the other side, we just have to try everything to get there. 

I hope everyone has had a good week. 

xx 

[Former-Member]

@Mrsjones

It was a good 2/3rds into ect before we could see a positive response for Mr Darcy lifting him out of major depression. He was still on crisis meds and sleeping a lot after he was discharged. Took a few months before he was functional around  home. Hope is elusive and there are only glimpses I'd it now. It took a long time for him to look forward to anything. This week is 4 years since his attempt,  he recently articulated again just how hard it has been for him to come back, he still caries guilt and shame in relation to it, exacerbated by his orthopaedic sequelae. 

Along with other things that helped me I found this beautifully written article that touched ny heart and lifted any desire to place any time limits or expectations with respect to recovery.

https://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue/2012/09/i-said-to-my-soul-be-still.html

[Mrsjones]

@Former-Member 

Even though I fully understand that each persons experiance with ECT and illness is different it is very reassuring to hear of your/ Mr Darcys experiances. And I thank you. 

How is Mr Darcy doing now? Does he still struggle with regular lows? What are his management plans? 

Im finding it very difficult to be positive when negativity just kept getting thrown our way. 

I am concerned with how much time Mr Jones is having away from our newborn daughter (3 months old now, he has been away for 4 weeks), this is such an important emotional development time for both her and him as a parent. We are only able to see him about 2-3 times a week as its dificult to visit with our other child who has a disability. 

Thanks again 

[Former-Member]

@Mrsjones 

It is hard balancing life with a new little one as well as with another child with needs an an acutely unwell husband. It is exhausting having to do it all.

I found that medicalising Mr Ds condition made things much easier for me.  

I encouraged the steps that were recommended by the treatment team (and found it much easier to understand when it was put in the form of a  'safety plan' and 'management plan').

Mr Darcy has been filling out a daily mood chart, his mood has been stable for quite a while, anxiety is a steady low. With our move 4 months ago I can see perhaps a little anxious hype happening, he is still working out what meaningful things he can do in our new community.

Rather than taking each complaint or negativity personally I began to empathise and remind him it was a symptom of bipolar ii and that we needed to up the ante with treatment/management plan and do what is needed in relation to both medication and lifestyle interventions. I also was intentional about remaining positive myself (it was at one stage very hard to see there was light at the end of the tunnel). I think focussing on what we could do helped take my focus off the negative and I became more intentional about being more loving (affection/ intimacy had been eroded). 

I think as carers we need our own management plan too, becoming aware of the things we can do to support our loved ones in a healthy manner and  to manage our own health and wellbeing whilst caring for our loved ones and giving it the same priority that we extend to our 'carrees'.  I needed to see a counselor to help me do this.

Safety plan = documenting signs and what needs to be done when things are going pear shaped.

Management plan = lifestyle things that help manage disorder ie mood charting, sleep, diet & exercise, meaningful activities etc.

[Mrsjones]

Thank you @Former-Member.
The meaningful activities is something that has resonated with me. Mr Jones has brought this topic up a few times but we never really got a chance to focus on it. I see that added some meaningful tasks into his week would really help, although he does struggle to commit to somethings long term due to his illness. Finding a hobbie would really help both of us as our lived are normally just work, kids, university... and thats it.

Mr Jones saw his Doctor again this morning (great doctor seeing him on a Sunday, Im very impressed), they are upping the ECT for the next week which he is not happy about as it is already giving him horrid side effects.

Sometimes I think I see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes I also just picture our lives always being like this.... its painful.

What type of lifestyle changes have people made to support their partners illness? (Id like to open this to everyone)

Mrs Jones
xx

[Determined]

Hi @Mrsjones 

Have been following along and just wanted to say hi.

I can relate to your concerns about your little one. My wife went into hospital the day After Our youngest first birthday. Over the following 12 months she spent more than 4 months in hospital across 6 admissions.  I was so anxious about it I took him daily to visit (200km round trip).  I was very fortunate to have the support of our parents with our older children and after school care. And as time wore on my mum driving me down when fatigue was becoming an issue. 

[Shaz51]

hugs @Determined , @Mrsjones , @Former-Member 

[Mrsjones]

Thank you @Determined , its nice to hear from you.
How is your wife doing now?

[Determined]

Relatively my darling is doing a lot better @Mrsjones  but not what I would consider completely ok. I certinally would have considerable reservations in returning to full time work as she is still emotionally challenged. (Had a big meltdown in a public space last night). 

It is coming up 2 years since her last attempt and visit to ed and since a change in meds at that time there has been no more self harm or thoughts of further attempts. That has come at a cost unfortunately but at least she is safe. 

[Mrsjones]

@Determined 

That is great to hear that your wife is safe, I only wish we can get into that position soon. 

Im struggling tonight, how do we overcome the strong feeling of loneliness? 

I just want to wake up tomorrow morning to a text from my husband saying that he is feeling great, but I know that will not happen. I get all upset which makes me feel selfish, this isnt even about me.