When things get tough here on the Forums

[Appleblossom]

Thanks for introducing the "forumite" word @PeppiPatty ... maybe I cited the wrong source .. I try to acknowledge others. 

Looked it up and its in the Oxford and the Urban dictionary ... yay on you for making it a part of this particular forum.

[Former-Member]

I think you need to firstly do self care for yourself, take a breath, consider what is going to be helpful for your own wellbeing right then. If it's something that has upset me and felt personal or i disagree with something I try to reflect on the what the intentions of the poster were, I've gotten to know lots of people on here and genuinely believe that we all try to be helpful and supportive, which is hard when we are going through our own stuff. And if I can keep in
Mind the intentions of something as being good it helps to be compassionate and constructive in response. I also take time out away from threads that are triggering or hitting a sore spot.
🤓

[Appleblossom]

Thanks @Former-Member

I feel I have had to work hard just to keep posts and language short and accessible. Sometimes I dont do justice to my real comprehension of an issue because so many people (in the past) have had a go at me for using big words .. so I then compensate dumb down and use lots of little words ... and do myself an injustice\... glad you are hanging in there.

[Mazarita]

'What advice do you have for others to get though challenging times on the forums?'

Everyone will have their own way of dealing with challenges but here are a few things that may have been helpful to me so far:

• remembering that we are all people with different backgrounds, values, life experiences and ways of expressing ourselves;
• remembering that I sometimes 'read things into' what other people write and that my interpretations may not be what that person really meant, or it may not have been meant as a personal attack on me;
• taking time out to let an issue settle in my mind before responding to difficult posts;
• asking myself whether I really need to respond at all to posts I find challenging.

[chookmojo]

I'd like the purpose of this conversation to be geared towards this: what advice do you have for others to get though challenging times on the forums?

Hey @CherryBomb, Excellent thread idea as the forum grows.

Things I have learned after many years of participating in online forums and chats.

* Remember that when you read print YOU are generating the tone of 'voice'. Try to default to that tone being neutral or friendly. This will save about a billion misunderstandings and upsets.

* There is a difference between putting forth your view on something, and trying to convince someone to agree with it. Only the latter will cause you frustration! 

relevant XKCD

* Though we tend to assume the opposite, very little that is said online is actually about YOU. A comment about a cluster of things is NOT a direct comment about you, even if you categorise yourself within that cluster. Taking things as personally about you, as personal attacks or criticisms is the fastest way to have a bad time on the internet.

* Even when a comment is directed to you by name it says more about the writer than the reader. Never attribute to malice what can be reasonably attributed to ignorance (or a bad day, or unfortunate phrasing, or a second language, or a misunderstanding etc etc).

* If in doubt clarify. And clarify NEUTRALLY and assumning the best, and try to avoid putting words in their mouths (or their textboxes anyhow). "I'm not sure I follow that, could you go into more detail?" "Could you try explaining another way?" as opposed to "Was that comment directed at me?" "Why would you think that?" "Where do you get off assuming that about me?"

* If something upsets you and doesn't break community rules you MIGHT decide to communicate that. For some of us still working on boundaries that communication can be a beneficial thing, and sometimes you are letting others who are too timid see that someone is speaking up for their point of view. That can be helpful.

Or you MIGHT decide that discretion is sometimes the better part of valour and simply stop interacting in that discussion, and maybe address YOUR reaction in another thread without passive-aggressive dropping of hints, names etc. It can be very beneficial to explore who/how you react to certain stimuli, but it is not always useful or appropriate to turn someone else's thread into your place of self exploration. Both are options. Which is going to leave the community and yourself in the best place?

[CherryBomb]

Some wonderful advice so far from our wise community members @chookmojo @Mazarita @Appleblossom @Former-Member @PeppiPatty. I couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks so much! Very insightful and practical. 

I think some of the general themes that I'm seeing are:

- if you feel yourself feeling bothered, take some time out to reflect on your own response, and the other person's point of view of circumstnaces.

- Don't take things personally, and don't make things personal. 

- Respect people's point of views, and recongise difference is not wrong or right, it's just a different way of thinking/feeling/being. 

[Chris]

It has been my experience on a number of occasions that people have connected on my posts and continued a conversation  totally unrelated.I find this disrespectful, and frustrating, as well as feeling angry . Ok so i am aware to why i have this reaction. Its to do with with my past. Maybe i am expecting perfection. At any rate I rarely post nowadays..?.

[Appleblossom]

I remember gaining from your posts @Chris

I hope I didnt take thread off topic too much.  if I did sorry ...

[PeppiPatty]

So good to see you @Chris

I'm wondering that if you could write that when you post a thread because I've often thought about you and hoped you would write hi ....

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Chris,

It is nice to see you on here. I can see how derailing a conversation off topic can feel disrespectful. Particularly if you have posted about an issue that you wanting support or advice on. 

Quite often I think people maybe unaware that they have taken or the conversation off track, or perhaps they are assume that it's ok. What I have found on here is that when people remind others about the original topic of discussion, they are usually happy to steer the convesatio back on track or take it elsewhere. 

What are other's thougths on this?