Marriage breakdown

[Frustrated2]

Hi I’m new to all this I really don’t know what to do anymore 

I have been with my husband now for nearly 20 years we have 3 daughters together. We have been have having an on going fight for a number of years now that I feel can not be resolved. 
My husband has trust issues with me and everyone that is close to him. Mostly with me. He believes that I have cheated on him (which I haven’t ) and have used him to have kids with him because this so called person can’t have any. It breaks me down so much, we have the same fight everyday and are bringing the family down with us. He says he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and wants to split up but I don’t want to give up the 20years that we have been together. The good and the bad. I love him so much and I know he still loves me. We both don’t want to go through the pain anymore what can we do to resolve this?????

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @Frustrated2 ,

I hear how frustrating it can be to experience this in that you truly love him, but he has a lot of mistrust in him. 

Have you ever considered couples counselling? 

Do you find you are able to talk through some of the reasons why he may be feeling this way and let him know you still love him?

If you feel up to it, you may want to have a chat to Relationships Australia in your area https://www.relationships.org.au/contact/#Contact-form

They may be able to talk through some of what is going on and give you more insight. 

From what you've shared, I can guarantee that you are not alone and that there are other members who are going through something similar.

You deserve to feel supported. At this time, please look after yourself. 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Frustrated2 

Welcome to the forums 🙂

Sorry to hear that this has been going on unresolved for so long. It sounds like this may need some sort of counselling or mediation to get to the root of the distrust, as @tyme suggested. Having someone unbiased who can support both of you may be a good first step in opening up the communication again? 

20 years and a family together is worth talking things through. Do you think your husband would be open to that?

[Frustrated2]

Thanks it’s good to hear that someone other than friends and family get where I am coming from. I’ve tried asking him if he would go to counseling with me but he doesn’t seem interested and just wants to give up.

[Glisten]

👋🏼 Hello @Frustrated2  How old are your daughters?
If your daughter was in the same situation, what advice would you offer her?
Sunk Cost Fallacy.

G

[BossBaby]

@Frustrated2 Thank you for sharing your frustration with the impasse of not being able to get the professional help you need. Marriage is a covenant, which is essentially an "agreement" so congratulations on being able to agree enough together up to now to stay together as a family. I have never been able to get past about five years in a relationship! Even as I eventually chose to put up with all sorts of blurred boundaries and tried every negotiation/transaction under the sun as an experiment to not change them and to see if it's actually humanly possible for me to stay with someone, I had to eventually create a safe distance for child safety. I'm getting coached through a book by a choice theory instructor at the moment so that's what's most on my mind as a strategy to take charge of my life. The book discusses the importance of good counselling: "When people deride counselling as ineffective, what they are saying is that they don't want to negotiate - they want to control. When you attempt to use power, you almost always lose belonging, so we all must be willing to sacrifice a little power to satisfy other needs. How we do it and how much we do it is what negotiation is all about." Due to the nature of your ongoing arguments, I might also suggest "The Sex Diaries" by Bettina Arndt for a dose of reality on Australian marriages. I am confident you and your husband will find your own voices somewhere in its pages. Please let us know how your situation progresses!

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Frustrated2 

I'm sorry to hear that he doesn't seem interested in working on the relationship. If that is the case, would you be willing to seek counselling for yourself, to come to terms with where the relationship is at? Without knowing all the details, being able to sit down and talk things through with someone may allow you to find the small offerings which could get both of you feeling secure, happy for your futures, etc. Even if that means renegotiating the terms of your marriage? 

I can't imagine how lonely and stressful it must feel to be accused and pushed away at the same time. It leaves you in the position of defending yourself and what you have built over time, but maybe it's easier for him to do it that way? You said you have the support of friends and family, which is great. Have they any ideas? 

Unfortunately, it does take two people to make a relationship. If he has checked out, you may find it healthy to explore your options and consider alternatives for your self moving forwards. Could you envision a life for yourself where you are both happy, even if you are apart? 

Hope you're doing ok x 

[tyme]

Hey @Frustrated2 ,

How are you today? I can see some members have offered some amazing insights to what you have shared.