My Story

[LightlySparklin]

So its 2 am and instead of sleeping im laying awake so thought Id explain a bit about my story.

I have experienced many things, too many things to be fair and for a great deal of those things I never recieved any professional help for and learnt to deal with them on my own.  Alot of that was probably to do with my mum who has the attitude of stiff upper lip and move on.   Instead of dealing with things its swept under the carpet and become taboo to discuss or even get help with. 

I have 2 kids, my eldest is Autistic and my youngest has aggression problems.  I also have a partner who is diagnosed GAD, PTSD and is currently experiencing an episode of Psychosis.  I also have depression, not my first time either.  

In my past I was molested, stalked and raped, my first child was a stillbirth, my second son died, I have serious and complicated health concerns (Cystic Fibrosis, no immune system, ABPA - allergic bronchopulmonary asprilligosis, Asthma and bronchiecstasis) and lastly 3 months ago I was attacked, held against my will for 4 days and strangled.  

Caring about others has always been my passion, hence why I became a nurse, but lately everything that i have been carrying on my shoulders is falling to bits around me and I am struggling to find anyway of keeping it together.  The recent event has really brought everything to a head for me and im not coping.  Stiff upper lip and moving on is not working this time, its all just tumbling in on me now 

i guess i have waffled on enough and should at least try get some sleep

[Bellaroo]

I can't imagine the psychological suffering you have endured, however I can relate to some of what you have experienced and I can only say that I hope you can find some inner peace somewhere somhow.  

I have to consider myself extremely lucky not to have suffered as you have for my experiences but that somehow I have been able to acknowledge that yes things happened to me and this is how I felt but I have been able to come to terms with what has happened and somehow keep on moving forward.

I have come to the understanding that for many of us we are who and what we are at birth and that the experiences we have as we travel our path of life can have profound effects on who and what we are at birth and for some of us we are locked inside a swirling vortex of pain and misery with no clear way out.  

I truly hope you find a way out.  

[NikNik]

Hi @LightlySparklin

Great to see you posting around the forums.

I have CF too - so I know the emotional and physical stress, just that in itself, can cause.

Adding all those things on top of your CF - I really can't imagine.

I'm really glad you reached out and shared on here. It's nice to be able to share common experiences with a community who understands.

Are you thinking of also reaching out for some professional support?

[LightlySparklin]

So it's been a while. My whole world has crumbled around my feet. I write notes around the house saying "k me please" just in case someone breaks into the house. I feel dead inside, like I'm not even alive anymore just going through the actions and looking from afar just waiting for the moment when it will be all over. I have been disagnosed with PTSD, really don't know why I'm still here. I have taken all the appropriate steps and speak with my dr regularly whilst I wait for my psychologist appointment

[CherryBomb]

Hi @LightlySparklin

Feeling empty and dead is painful and overwhelming. Does your psychologist and doctor know about how you're feeling?

It's been a while since you wrote before you last post, may I asked if something has happened in between them - you mentioned that you world has crumbled at your feet.  

No need to answer that last question, if you feel uncomfortable sharing those details. But please know, we're here to listen. 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @LightlySparklin

I have not "met" you before. You have had so many physical, emotional and violent things to contend with. You must also have a lot of courage to have simply survived it all.  Its hard to tap into strong parts of ourselves when we are drained. 

I am so glad you do have an appointment. 

Sometimes we keep going for our children, but there are definitely times we need support from an adult and to be able to bounce off ideas and share experiences.

Hope you get some support from posting. Take care.

[LightlySparklin]

Since my last post I lost my job, I took 6 weeks stress leave and they classified me as abandoning my job. I had a medical certificate for my time off and everything. I also fell over and damaged the tmj in my jaw. I also had the court case for my attacker come up and also had to go in for another lung surgery. When I lost my job it made it difficult to pay rent and car payments and meet all my other finiancial obligations. My car got stolen and was written off, I've been broken into and lost huge sums of money that are hard to get back. I then lost my house and had to find immediate accomodation. All of which has probably contributed to me being unable to deal with the original trauma. My whole life, who was, my financial stability, my everything was ripped away from me all because I helped some dude who decided I was a liar. I have never maliciously hurt anyone in my life, I give and give even when I don't have much to give and for someone to walk in my life unnoticed and destroy that who I barely know breaks me inside

[LightlySparklin]

Yes I have been very frank with my drs about how I feel as well as social workers I speak to whilst waiting for the psychologist. Whilst my suicidal ideations are high my will to take action on them is not there

[Shaz51]

Hello @LightlySparklin, how are you today , have been thinking of you today and sending you hugs

@NikNik, sending you some tender hugs my amazing friend