The mother of my partner’s children died

[Kat73]

Hi there. I’ve spent six months searching for answers to solve this very tricky situation. I’ve known and loved my partner for a decade, fully aware he was newly single with two small children who spent most of their time with their mother. We had them at our house a couple of nights a week. Then the children’s mother died. My partner moved out of our home to live with his children. We are still together but clearly not, because he doesn’t live with me anymore. I don’t have kids of my own.

I am trying to be respectful and give the kids space in their primary home. I also have their shared room at my house. I am struggling to cope with my new life alone. There was/is an expectation that I would naturally take over as their “mother”, and we would all live under the one roof. However, this is impossible due to size constraints at both houses. The children also don’t seem to like me very much, which makes it hard for me to want to spend time with them. For example, they don’t ever touch me (no hugs or kisses) or send me texts or call me. The eldest actually struggles to make eye contact with me, let alone say “hi” or “good morning”. We have had lots of birthdays, Easters, Chistmases and holidays together, as a couple, but also with the kids’ mother before she died.

i feel like I’m in some sort of traumatic limbo now, relationship-wise. I love my partner and his kids, but it is obvious the kids are his top priority. I’m completely fine with this, but can’t help feeling dumped and abandoned. I’m at the stage in my life where I’d like to go on holidays or even out to dinner with my partner — you know, do life with him as we did for the past 10 years. Now I live alone and hate it. I feel like we should break up so he can focus on the children and I can potentially find a new best friend. The problem is, I don’t want to end our relationship because I am in love with him and always will be. But my mental health is suffering with this new situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Kare]

Hi there,

I’m sorry for the loss you all would be experiencing.

It’s obvious that you empathise with your partner and his kids situation, but this doesn’t make your loss of him moving out any easier,

You mention a there was/is an expectation of taking on you the mother role… is this something you and your partner spoke about? And how do you feel about these expectations?

I know you mentioned the housing constraints and the distance you feel in your relationship with the kids, but if those could be worked through or changed is that still something you’d be open on working through?

I write this as someone married to a widow, and was able to take on the role of mother. My situation seems more straight forward than what you are grappling with currently, so I’m certainly not trying to steer you in any particular direction.

It’s evident you are deeply in love, so  what it boils down is whether you can accept this instant, full time family….

made trickier with the current lack of connection to his kids….  any improvements to their relationship with you now, after the loss of their mum might take far longer to establish so you’ll need to tread very carefully there.

If you’re open to trying to make this work, you’ll need to start the conversation with your partner about getting the new family under the same roof; a new roof given the space issues in both houses. 

Any conversation MUST be with the kids emotional wellbeing at the forefront of your minds. Maybe knowing that the living arrangements aren’t permanent will ease the distress you’re feeling.

I wish the best for you in this situation, and hope I’ve been helpful.

[QueenCornelia]

Hi, Kat73. What a difficult situation for you! My heart goes out to you. Have you tried talking to your partner? I wonder how he sees things as evolving, as time goes by. Where does he see the relationship in 6, 12 months? I guess that is the first thing. It’s been an incredibly traumatic time for everyone & I wonder if he & the children are getting trauma counseling. Since you say your mental health is suffering, consider seeing a counselor or psychologist yourself. Though he is understandably busy, you can’t keep your life on hold forever - I hope you can find a way to stay connected with him, and also do what you need to do in your life. Keep at it with the kids - it must be so hard to, I imagine, but if you are patient, and kind, and understanding, which I believe you are, they will see that in you one day. They are all lucky to know such a patient & loving person! Very best of luck.