Lived Experience Forum

[Anfran]

TW: abuse, child protection

Hi everyone,

my story is very long, and complex, but currently I am going through court with my ex partner who was severely abusive but I experienced a lot of abuse through childhood, so I just thought it was normal, until I had a health scare and ended up with heart failure so I stopped drinking, which is what I had used to cope for as long as I can remember, and started therapy with a psychologist due to health anxiety. It didn’t take long for me to start talking about my childhood SA as I was having severe flashbacks that I’d never had before, so was referred to a specialist service who after my first session told me I was being retraumatised in my relationship and wasn’t safe. I denied this for a long time and as this service told me they couldn’t support me if I stayed with my partner, I ceased working with them and my psych agreed to continuing supporting me, but our sessions because her telling me to contact DFV services to help me leave and eventually I did after an episode from my ex. As soon as I contacted them they told me to leave, organised accomodation and we did a risk assessment from which they contacted child protection (we have 2 daughters together) and they put restrictions in place and said my ex partner was not to see our daughters unsupervised. We eventually went back as I just didn’t get the support I needed, everyone dropped out once I left because they said we were safe, then child protection found out we went back and continued to threaten to take the kids off me too if I stayed with him so eventually I left again and we went into a women’s and children’s refuge and moved around for months. When we returned to the area, my ex initiated court proceedings against me for custody of our daughters and it has been an awful and traumatising battle ever since.

I have struggled a lot with my mental health and have been diagnosed with CPTSD, and when I’m triggered (which seems to be all the time with court) my symptoms are just through the roof, but I thought I was managing ok and have just been trying to survive for my kids as I am sole carer, and we have faced homelessness multiple times, had to do court reports etc, so I really felt like in the scheme of things it was ok for me to struggle with my mental health. I had a disagreement with a friend lost week (I forgot to mention I lost most of my friends once child protection got involved, and my family for that matter) but even though we were having a pretty serious argument over text, I feel like we were adult and calm about it, we didn’t say nasty things about each other or anything, but she ended it with she couldn’t deal with me anymore because she felt as if I was stuck with my mental health, and that I was even going backwards and said that I was going to be my ex’s victim forever because I don’t just get over it and move on with my life. She said no one was coming to save me and I had to do it on my own and she wasn’t going to stick around anymore. I stayed calm and I said I understood and I felt that too, but I said I felt like as long as my ex had me in court trying to take custody of our daughters who are absolutely terrified and traumatised by him, I didn’t really have a way out as I actually fear for the safety of my daughters if he gets custody, and she never replied to me and then at school pickup of our kids the next day she didn’t even say hi to me so I’ve started feeling really upset and having massive panic attacks and anxiety, like I’m struggling to leave the house but I don’t know why I’ve had such a big reaction. Has anyone experienced something similar? I just feel like if I could get better and just change my MH I would, I don’t want to be like this, but I feel like it’s pretty hard not to when their dad who child protection and all services working woth us said we were at the highest risk of homicide and if we didn’t leave he was either going to unalive one or all of us, or child protection would take my kids, has come very far in his case against me to gain custody (we have a final hearing April, then go to trial) I feel like it’s the k for me to continue struggling with my MH, but now I’m feeling like I am just using it as an excuse, and am starting to question whether I’m doing the right thing and whether I am being a positive role model to my daughters if I live with such poor MH?! Any tips, or advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂

[tyme]

Hey there @Anfran ,

Thank you for sharing what’s been happening for you as it certainly is a lot. It is understandable you are feeling the way you are as it sounds like you have been in fight/flight mode for a long time now. With that comes changes in behaviour such as increased anxiety and to be re-traumatised each court sitting is a huge thing. 

It sounds like you are doing your best. If it was as easy as ‘getting over it’, I’m sure you would have a long time ago. 

From your friend’s point of view, I’m wondering if it’s come to the point where the situation is just too sticky and they actually don’t know what to do anymore and hence they’ve stepped away? The argument may have been the last straw. This can also be seen as a way to protect them.

From what it sounds, you are doing your level best in the given circumstances. You are protecting your children as you know they will be terrified of your ex.

Are you able to see your doctor about your anxiety? 

Please know you are not alone.

[Rylee13]

Hi,

You are definitely not alone… our stories sound almost exactly the same. You have an incredible amount of resilience to be able to face all that you have. When my family abandoned me, I took it so personally at first. The pain and the broken heart I was left with (when I truly needed their unconditional love and support at that time) took a long time to sit with and accept. I let myself cry when I was alone and I journaled my anger and rage out in words I now look back on and understand are very normal. It will take time to begin to heal such deep wounds. I realised that those who left me in reality just didn’t have the capacity or the ability to support me because of their own trauma and issues. It had nothing to do with me or my children. You are going through one of the hardest times in dealing with court, and starting a new life without abuse and deserve kindness and compassion at this time. I never thought it would end… but it eventually did. All you can do is the best you can with the resources you have at the time… and that is enough. Focus on your children- this helped me greatly. Someone said to me once right at the start of my six year court case against an abusive ex, to try and imagine what my children’s faces and lives would be like in five years time. I imagined them cuddling up to me, in safety and happiness, free to laugh and be themselves without fear and today this is how they experience life. The road to their freedom and mine, was so very hard. Keep believing in yourself- you have the courage and the strength to keep taking one day at a time. I truly hope you can know today that you are never alone.