Living with Loneliness

[Former-Member]

I really relate @Lila3 !

I think when we have experienced traumatic experiences there can be a part of us that feels what I call 'unknowable' to other people. I often feel that even with the people I am closest too there is no way for them to ever really know me. And I also feel like at times I really don't know myself which makes me feel even more lonely.

And in terms of your cultural experience I can also relate though don't have the same experiences. I come from a Jewish background but wasn't raised super religious. So there is a lot about my own heritage and community that I don't fully understand that makes me not fit in with a lot of Jewish people. Whereas I don't feel I fit in with other people either. It's like I'm too Jewish in some settings and not Jewish enough for others. Does that make sense?

Thanks so much for sharing with us 
 - periwinklepixie 

[Lila3]

Thank you for your response. I resonate with that feeling of being " unknowable". I found hearing about your liminality ie existing between cultures very interesting.

[FelixCoco]

Hi I can relate hope we can change that 😀

[MDT]

Loneliness is hard

[Daisydreamer]

It sure is @MDT 😞 Have you been sitting with loneliness this past fortnight?

[AFK]

Hi all,

This is a great topic, and one that I think deserves a lot more exploration. I'll start with agreeing with @MDT - loneliness is hard. I'm sorry you are in that space, mate.

@Former-Member, your words really resonated with me re trauma. I've found even among others who have been through similar, I retain this deep sense of "otherness". I guess we all experience trauma uniquely. In addition I come from a background of severe neglect, which I have taken perhaps a bit too long to realise has left me struggling to feel connected. Add some ADHD, and there's another layer of disconnect with the general community - I inherently don't think or function like most people.

I am also hyper aware of the way people see everything through the lens of their own thoughts and experience, and more often than not seem partly or wholly unaware of me (or anyone, really) as an actual being rather than a convenient physical representation of whatever is going on in their heads. My partner sees me. I rarely feel like anyone else does. It's a plus being an introvert, I guess - I'm fine with being alone when I'm on my own. It's when I'm among others that it bites. Life can be very lonely this way.

Kind thoughts to you all,

AFK.

[MattsOpinion]

How could i possibly feel lonely with all the voices in my head and people following me all the time? 😉

ok maybe sometimes.

[MDT]

Hi all

I think loneliness and isolation are different
I remember reading in a poem by Charles Bukowski that isolation is the gift and you will be the gods. I like this idea a lot. But I think isolation is sometimes healthy. You need that time to yourself. I know I do.

Loneliness however is best described as wanting to he with other people but suffering because you are not. It is very hard.

I think I have experienced the most whenever I have been stuck in one place - physical or mental - and I have found myself fantasising about being social with a big group of people. I'm naturally introverted. I know this much. But it doesn't mean I don't want to be social. There is of course a balance and balance is important to maintain. However sometimes we can actually warp our sense of balance because other outside forces get in our mind and make us question ourselves. Thoughts and feelings that make us feel odd for wanting time to ourselves can also mean we feel pressure to conform to that outside norm.

Whenever I feel lonely I think its best to turn out from everything. Find a place of my own and do something unobstructed by the world. Maybe it is distraction to do that? I'm not sure. But I think it would be a healthier alternative to focusing too heavily on how I feel and/or doing something for the sake of doing it.

@MattsOpinion @Daisydreamer @AFK

[Lila3]

I love Bukowski. Thanks for sharing how it is for you. I think your perspective is interesting.

[AFK]

Hi all,

@MDT, I agree that loneliness and isolation are different. As someone who is heavily introverted, I need massive chunks of time to myself to feel okay, so I completely understand you, there. But as you say, being introverted doesn't mean you never need to be social. The human psyche is designed to need connection. We're not unlike ants, we all have our roles to fill for the cohesion of the whole, and so we must communicate and co-operate with our fellows to some extent, and are driven at times to seek this out. Too bad we're less organised and efficient with that than ants!

You mentioned finding yourself fantasising about being social with a big group of people, followed by some discourse about balance and societal expectations. Am I to take from that that your fantasy is more about how you feel others expect you to socialise, as opposed to how you want to? There is much value to be found in looking inward to know what we actually need from our interactions with others, and in accepting the difference between what we want and what others want. I knew early on that hanging out in groups and having vapid, meaningless conversations wasn't for me - I largely steer clear of that stuff, and too bad if others think I should do otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I like a party now and then, but the best bit is at the end when most of the people have gone and there are a few left who are at the philosophising end of the night.

I do like and identify with what you said about finding your own space to do something unobstructed by the world, when you feel lonely. I think that is only distraction if you don't acknowledge and accept what you're feeling, and are trying to ignore it. That's another ball game again. Anyway, what struck me about this is how I was distinctly less assailed by feelings of loneliness back in my 20s, when I lived further from friends and family than I do now, but before the advent of smart phones and the reigning prevalence of social media (yeah, I know, my age is showing, haha). I think that expectation of always being "connected" leads to an instinct to go looking for it online when we feel lonely, and when nothing meaningful comes back, as it tends not to on social media, the feeling of loneliness explodes into something much bigger. I have taken to putting my phone well out of arm's reach when I am home, recently (where my distractable ADHD brain that always wants to fiddle with something keeps going to grab it), and I do find myself more able to just be in that space of being alone. I find better things to do.

I've waffled enough, I'll leave it at that, for now. Kind thoughts,

AFK.