Living with Loneliness

[MDT]

🙂 @Lila3

[MDT]

@AFK I am 28 and i found a lot of what you said i can relate to

I think in the end the meaning in our interactions probably trumps anything else.

[AFK]

@MDT- I'm glad you can relate. I guess you too have seen the transition into a world dominated by social media. I'm in my early 40s - not that old, but I've seen some big changes in tech. I can only imagine how a 100-year-old must feel, the world is such a different place than it was in that person's youth. But I digress. You're so right about the meaning in our communication being the important thing. That's my main struggle with loneliness. Intelligent conversations, and good friends who will just check in to see you're okay on a semi-regular basis are a true rarity. I want more of that stuff.

[MDT]

@AFK
I decided a few months ago that I would inject genuineness into the world.
That I wouod seek to make every connection with someone as genuine as I could.
I think istarted in the right place with this but I have reviewed it. I think doing it from a place of anguish was wrong. Rather than try to rub against the world, it wouod be better to do these things for their own sake. Ask people how they are, send a message to someone I hadn't spoken to for a while etc. These things.

I think covid lockdown could be more appropriately described as covid shut down. It shut down our usual processes for socialisation and work.

Life goes on because it had to.

Maybe some things will never be the same.

I wonder when and if I will go overseas again. I wonder if I will fall in love. I feel it is a hard time to be young. But again, each generation has this maybe?

Idk my friend. Being very pensive

[Lila3]

Yeah I hear you. Doing it from a state of anguish hasn't worked for be either. Most people don't understand trauma or complexity, they want light & positvity. It's understandable to want these things however I think true healing comes when we're prepared to go into darkness & emerge victorious. Whatever victorious might look like for you.

[MDT]

There is always light at the end of the tunnel @Lila3
I think sometimes we just have to be looking up or forward to see it

[Lila3]

🧡

[AFK]

@MDT, I'm a fan of the concept of injecting genuineness into the world. I also agree that coming from a place of anguish is a tricky place to start it from. As @Lila3 pointed out, people like to keep it light - coming from a place of anguish can lead to overshare in the wrong places maybe, or stepping into dark territory without fully feeling out whether the other person is in a space to receive it. Is that what you were referring to?

As for asking people how they are, messaging someone you've not spoken to in a while, those are really important things in connection. My struggle with them is that I've found I can have really good and genuine conversations in the moment (i.e. with colleagues when we chat at work, maybe with someone I've checked in on) and they fill a niche, but it's always me that initiates those. If I'm quiet for a while, if I'm out of sorts, etc. it is so rare that anyone checks in on me or seems to give a damn, it's always about them. That's where I get to feeling really lonely.

I agree about the "covid shut down". I do think that the struggles many of us had pre-covid have magnified significantly. Mine sure have, I've a seriously immune compromised partner who is in constant danger because of it. I am hypervigilant over hygiene measures for his sake, so going out means showering, washing clothes, wiping down anything I buy - it's exhausting, so I do it less. My social energy is low as a result. Others may not be so hypervigilant but have their own stresses and fears, and so many of us end up turning inward as a result.

I don't know the long term changes that we will have to face re covid. I do agree it is a hard time to be young. I'm sure every generation has their struggles thus, but this is our time and what we have to face. It sucks, it's hard. I hope you do get to travel, and I especially hope you get to fall in love.

I'm in such a different space in my life. I do have the good fortune of having an amazing partner. If only (unlike society tacitly tells us) a partner was all that we needed to not feel lonely - though I do feel markedly less so than I did. The thing is we also need family, we need friends. We need different perspectives, and people who get us out of our awkward little ruts sometimes, who are willing to say "Hey, you okay?" when we haven't been around a while. As I said, my partner is amazing. The twist is that his beautiful nature really puts a spotlight on how rubbish everyone else in my life has been. His life in general does. I see him with parents that care and support him, I see him with a best friend who talks to him daily. I am so grateful he has those things. I also wish I could have that too. My upbringing was a huge lesson in being shown I don't matter to my parents. Most of my friendships have fizzled sooner or later if I don't remain the driving force, they have told me I don't matter to them. Except with my partner I lack trust in the connections I have, and as lame as it sounds, I do periodically seek reassurance from him. Is he real? Do I actually have a consistent, emotionally available human being in my life? It took me over 30 years to find him, I went through hell beforehand, there's always that vague expectation I'll be cast back into the fire. Loneliness is no simple matter, it's so much more than whether a person is physically present.

AFK.

[MDT]

@AFK
"oming from a place of anguish can lead to overshare in the wrong places maybe, or stepping into dark territory without fully feeling out whether the other person is in a space to receive it. Is that what you were referring to?"

Yes - very much so.

"My struggle with them is that I've found I can have really good and genuine conversations in the moment (i.e. with colleagues when we chat at work, maybe with someone I've checked in on) and they fill a niche, but it's always me that initiates those. If I'm quiet for a while, if I'm out of sorts, etc. it is so rare that anyone checks in on me or seems to give a damn, it's always about them. That's where I get to feeling really lonely."

Yes i know this.

you have touched on some deep themes there my friend @AFK and thank you for sharing. I don't want to write out any old scrawl so i'll leave it there. I know though I will be thinking about this in the next few days and i can drop in when i have some nuanced thoughts.

see you soon

[AFK]

@MDT  - glad I have properly grasped where you were coming from. It is both good (for solidarity) and unfortunate you understand that thing about how we check in on others but they don't check in on us. It's an awful feeling.

Yup, that's me, I'm big on deep themes. I appreciate you listening, and acknowledging whilst also putting it plainly that you want some time to mull it over. Even that is a rare thing, so I accept when you call me "friend", there is some meaning in it. Thank you.

Kind thoughts,

AFK.