Living with Loneliness

[MJG017]

Hi @PeppyPatti 

My life the past couple of years had been full of "hardest things ever" and I've gotten some great support though it from groups like this, so it just makes me want to pay it forward a little bit and I do like helping people.  Especially with mental health.  Now that I've dealt with the 'system' the past year or so, I see just how vital it is that we come together and try to help each other as much as possible.

My partner is an OT and now manages the team of OTs at her work.  I know she says a good support coordinator is very important in dealing with the NDIS.  It can get really bad.  Unfortunately, a lot of people do try to rort the system and it just makes it harder for people just trying to get by.  I know my partner has said that when doing functional assessments for people, it's important to note any small issues, even if they are only problems some of the time as it can help a lot getting things through the system.  So try not to be to upset feeling like you're being overly scrutinized, it would ultimately be to your benefit.  Assuming you don't feel it was too unfair or exaggerated of course.  Bit I do understand it can be quite upsetting for some people.  A lot of people do discount issues they have when having these assessments because they think they're not that bad, but they all add up to form a better picture of how much support you are entitled to.  I definitely think sticking with the NDIS is the right choice.  I know the system is far from perfect, but it is better than nothing... mostly.

"2nd PASS (post adoption support services) appointment." It's a service provided by Relationships SA for adoptees.  They provide counseling and services for adoptees to find their biological families, help with contacting them, and support dealing with the long term effects a lot of adoptees have.  Attachment issues are very common.  They say you feel the loss of your maternal connection as a trauma that stays with you throughout your life.  

For me it was never really like a punch to the gut because I've been dealing with it and trying to figure out why I feel and act the way I do all of my life.  There are certain memories along the way do do stick with me and do feel like those gut punches.  Especially the past couple of months.  After thinking one way about my adoption my whole life to finding out recently that a lot of my issues are a very common side effect of adoption and that single mothers, like mine, were very often forced to give their babies away.  So I've had to rethink a lot of stuff I've always believed.  So talking about that today and how it changed my view of my biological mother knowing that she was just as traumatised as I was rather than a decision she made to give me up had changed things quite a bit and has made me upset now knowing that this 'closed adoption' period did awful things to my mother. 

But it was there that I started to get extremely emotional today when I told her this and then about the letter I sent her before I traveled interstate to meet her.  I said in this letter that I didn't care why I was given up for adoption, I had no desire for any explanation from her, I just wanted to meet her and finally talk to her and that I had always missed her a great deal.  But knowing now that she was forced to give me up, just makes that letter I sent her even more important because I got to tell her I never blamed her or was angry... I just wanted us to meet again and get to know each other.  Then I remembered the last time I saw her, the night before we had to leave to drive back to Adelaide.  I had spent the night with her and I was tired and just wanted to get some sleep before the long drive.  If I had known that was the last time I saw here before she passed away, I would of spent the whole night with her if I had to.  I know I couldn't have known, but it's so painful to know I only ever got to spend a handful of hours with her.

Sorry, I've gone off on a bit of a rant again.  It's all still a bit raw.  Maybe it was a bigger punch to the gut than I thought.

If I've learned one thing the past couple of years, it's that it's always a good move to draw our support people close to us when we're struggling or unsure about things.  So hopefully doing that can help both you and your son.  In the mean time, I (and everyone here) are happy to listen and support you however we can.  As the old saying goes... "A problem shared is a problem halved".

[PeppyPatti]

Dear @MJG017 

So many people have 

' more' shocking painful stories on their childhood. I'm mindful of their stories whilst I let you know that in My functional capacity report it spoke about no love been given to me when growing up. 

When you write of attachment issues-- I felt my latest drama sinking into me and try and suffocate me. I felt oh....this is something I think I understand what you are dealing with. 

I think I was right in that room when you were crying @MJG017 

My partner, Mr Rocker, I think - being with the most

caring 

Stupid 

Unaware 

Considerate 

Empathetic 

Human being male 

🐏 

Tries hard to understand what's it like for me to live a life today wondering if my mother will put knives in my attempts to get close to my adult sons. What will she do this week. How can I stop living in this absolute fear I won't hear from them for 5 more years. 

Or will she fly over to their state of Australia where they live and fill their minds with lies. 

@cloudcore @Glisten @Glisten @Lila3 @Kristal @ENKELI 

How do we manage ? What gets

 You and me through @MJG017 ?

[MJG017]

Hi @PeppyPatti 

Yeah... that "no love given as a child" comes up a lot when researching attachment issues and talking to people who suffer from it.  I never saw it as a trauma, but finding out more the past couple of months and talking to more and more people who also deal with it, I can see that it definitely is.  How can it not be, and have such a big effect on our lives for so long after it happened?  It's so hard to start to deal with, but i've found talking to people who understand very helpful... at the very least it makes my feel like i'm not alone in suffering with these issues.

It sounds like I share very similar traits to Mr Rocker.  I barely understand my own emotions, let alone in other people.  I've always avoided them in myself, so I probably avoid them in other people as well.  I don't know... it's hard.  Overcoming these attachment issues is so hard!

It is so hard with mothers like that!  Mine is always wanting sympathy for anything, like she needs to live.  She doesn't mind stories she has to tell people to get it or who she has to lie about.  Some of the things she's told people about me have gotten back to me.  These days I just look at it as sad and desperate attempts to deal with her own issues.  I don't do this for her, but to allow myself to not feel so angry and hurt.  This thing is, I think a lot of people know what she's like and it isolates her and just makes her try to do it more.  She tried to guilt people and if called out on it gets angry!  So I just do my best to not worry about it anymore.  If she says something about me to someone, then I just like to think if that person knows me and has any respect for me they won't believe what they're told... especially if they know my mother well enough.  What else can I really do?!  It feels like let it go, or be consumed by it.  And I refuse to let her affect me like that anymore.

"How do we manage ? What gets

You and me through @MJG017?"

I really wish I knew.  For me this year it's been to try and only have people who support me in my life.  If there's people I can't just avoid, like my family, then I'm pleasant if I find myself with them (rarely) but I don't really care what they think or say anymore.  I'd rather talk to the people in my support groups or some on here and talk to people.  It's been so much better for my mental health so far.

I really hope your two sons see how much you care and how much damage was done to your relationship with you due to your mother.  Was it your youngest, that you were supposed to meet up with recently for coffee or lunch?  I hope i'm remembering this correctly. I guess all you can do is look after yourself as best you can, hope they do the same and you can all start to mend those relationships.  We do see things differently as we get older so hopefully that time will also bring a lot of healing for you all as well.

[PeppyPatti]

G'day @MJG017 

You make me feel I want to talk to you. 

I'll let you know @MJG017 I think the best way to explain Mr Rocker ( you ?? ) is that he's very flawed but I'm in weekly therapy. 

And to be gracious -- Mr Rockers problems is the he does not know how a woman feels or thinks but he's made great leaps forwards to understand. 

He has no children but he has taken in......embraced (???) my two and his talk makes it easier for them to see me. 

If I was you id'e start thinking like this 

You did nothing to deserve this. 

It is not your fault. 

Your speech in support groups is very valid.

People learn because of you. 

[MJG017]

Hi @PeppyPatti  Thank you for your kind and caring words. It really helps to quieten those self doubts in my head that i've always struggled with.

The more you describe Mr Rocker, the more he sounds like me.  Before I met my current partner, having never been in a relationship before and never having the self-confidence around anyone, let alone women, I think it was all a bit of a mystery to me.  Luckily I found someone who understood enough of why I was the way I was and looked past it.  I think I have made some great leaps as well since being with her.  I know I sure wouldn't be doing any of this without the changes she has inspired me to  make.  As I wrote this, I wonder if it was due to having no close female relationships growing up.  I was never close to my mother and I had no sisters so as a kid and older I had enough trouble making connections with other males.  Trying to talk to girls/women seemed like trying to run before I could walk.  I wouldn't say im running yet... more of a gentle jog, but i'm still working very hard on it.

[PeppyPatti]

Hey @MJG017 

I liked your message, thankyou. 

It feels like you may have not known women - Mr Rocker certainly didn't. He was /are ( ??? ) a 25 yr hard substance user and he met substance free / sees a therapist/ focused on staying in contact and supporting my husband I chose to leave. 

So he quit and well......his Mum teaches me to quilt. 

It feels like you have what I have. That's to get something good when things are tough. Like your a survivor ?

Iv noticed something about my two sons. They have their fathers depression. Amazing. Earlier this year I'm telling everyone on Sane forums I'm reading a guy called Terry Real and he's writing that sons inherit their Fathers depression. Well, okay - that's Terry Reals interpretation - is this my two sons problems ?? 

Yep. Definately big elements in both of them that they are. 

I hear their voices. I see what they are both struggling with. They are both different but their --- actions remind me of my first husband. 

I'll need to keep that thought in the plastic lunch box because I'll need to think about that more. 

[MJG017]

Hi @PeppyPatti 

It's finny that you mention the question of whether depression can be hereditary.  I found my biological family 3 years ago.  Talking to my two biological sisters it came up that we share at lot of the same issues with depression and anxiety.  I am the youngest of us and I was 50 when we first met each other, so it was strange that we had these strong similarities with our mental health throughout our lives.  The even told me it was quite common in the family.  So I think there are some genetic links involved.

I think that it one thing that a lot of adoptees have... that's being a survivor.  I can't speak for all of us, but a lot of us have attachment issues and find it hard to trust people enough to let them too close.  So we become more self reliant and there is a sort of survival instinct like strength that comes from that.  I think it would be the same for anyone who grew up with issues that made them feel alone or isolated.  I'm not expert but that's just my view of it for what it's worth.

If anyone wants dating advice, then asking me would be like asking a dog about long division... you'll just get a quizzical look.  So yes, it's very safe to say I don't have much experience with women.  I don't know... maybe that works in my favour now.  Only having had one relationship in my life... which is still going strong, I've never had any bad experiences with women, so maybe that makes my more understanding and empathetic than a lot of men.  Who knows... maybe i'm just desperately looking for positives from a very sheltered and largely solitary life.