Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

[Little_Leopard]

Hey @BPDSurvivor. 
I have just back tracked and read the message you included me in. I tend to disappear and come back and this time was a long one. It’s all part of the package with dissociation. I just wanted to check in and tell you that I read your messages and I find your honesty so comforting and rare.

I have some family members who are undiagnosed BPD but are completely unwilling to seek help. My sister in law really needs help, she is only a young adult (18) and it’s so hard to watch and deal with. But her BPD father messes with her head and now she is afraid of everything. He has turned her against everything and everyone including family. She is very unstable and not functioning with no ability to work, have friends or have any consistency. Not sure if I ever told you about her?

hearing your story gives me hope for her that when the time comes there are resources for her like Spectrum, and peer support networks these days are very helpful like you have said!

How have you been? I hope you are doing well 😊

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Little_Leopard ! So great to hear from you!

 My BPD life is still going. I’ve had a few rare rage episodes, but much much milder to what they used to be. Apart from that, I’m on top of the world with life.

As for your young family member, 18 is really young for a borderline to know what they want. They are just leaving teenagerhood. Teenage brains are still changing which means there’s a fine line between BPD diagnosis and simply a teenage brain! Once the brain neuron pruning state is complete, if the symptoms still persist, then they can be given a BPD diagnosis.

BPD takes years to build up, and hence it takes years to recover to a healthy functioning  baseline.

 But once a borderline ‘grows up’ emotionally, it is very very very unlikely they will go backwards. 

i know for me, at 18 years old, I was no way ready for BPD support or help. I was an absolute mess. But looking back, I know I want ready. I wasn’t ready until I came to the end of myself and said to the assessors at Spectrum, ‘This is my last chance. I do this or die’. And so in my 30s, I eventually surrendered myself to get help. It was no longer me just saying , ‘yes I want help’, but rather, an entire commitment to give it my best shot.

And boy, it was a rough rough journey. But I’m here to tell the story.

I absolutely love life. I’m honestly moving to higher places every day. Don’t get me wrong, I still take maintenance meds for my depression, insomnia and anxiety, but I’m totally okay about it. Drs say I can reduce, but I’m so so well now - I don’t see the need to change anything.

 If anyone is to recover from BPD, they have to honestly want it and fight for it. It’s not easy.

 Also, hi to @Evie_3 @Claire26Bob @tyme @Lucy27 @Former-Member @AloiseCat99 @Former-Member 

[Former-Member]

I feel so encouraged by your post @BPDSurvivor . I truly am ready to properly address my BPD. I've been in denial about it to be honest. Because my behaviours are so familiar to me, I grew up in a household where mental illness was so obvious but never discussed or treated. It was sheer chaos and unfortunately, chaos is my normal. I need to find a new normal. Not just for my own sake but for my beautiful sons sake. He deserves a better me.

[Little_Leopard]

Hey @BPDSurvivor @it’s good to hear from you too. You are so kind.

kind of sucks when our “ugly” symptoms rear their head. Im not sure about you but for me I initially feel let down but then at the same time I can look back and there is this sense of accomplishment for how far I have come. At how better I am at coping and how much quicker I am able to bounce back.  

so glad that you are feeling and doing great. Sounds like you have a lot going on for yourself at the moment and in a good way.

I do appreciate your point about it being a bit early to make a call about my sister in law having BPD. I just feel it in my gut. I’ve known a few BPD people and her mum is an NPD and Father is BPD and has had poor parental role models. Like you said though, we will have to wait a bit longer for her to brain to finish up its developmental phase, I’m pretty sure in my gut though that is will be BPD. What age should be old enough to be able to make an accurate diagnosis?

Oh that very interesting that you say you were not ready in your early adulthood to get help. I have mostly (until recently) blamed and made it my responsibility to get her help. But she is very resistant and doesn’t like the idea of any kind of therapy. 
My plan at this point is to let her go and have a door is always open kind of approach for when she is ready. Unfortunately her father has some malignant narcissistic traits and he is rubbing on on her and alienating her from everyone but himself. 

I have a very strong impulse to caretake and it’s so hard for me to let go but im making myself realise that it has to be on her to change (like you said), I can’t fix things for her. That’s hard because I hate watching people suffer. But at the same time I can’t stand being walked over and treated with contempt, so stepping away is the healthy option. It’s something I’m trying hard to learn to do and my therapist is helping me with that.

Im so glad that you are here to tell the story. It is inspirational, and I love how realistic you are about the reality of a struggle and commitment to get to the point you are at.

you really sound like you have it all working for you at the moment. I understand why you dont want to change your medication with things going so well they way they are. You will make it those changes on your terms in the future if you want to.

I am only in the early stages on my “getting it together” . Hearing your story is an inspiration. (Even if we have different mental health diagnosis). I am at the beginning at stage 1 stabilisation. But at least I’m finally on the right path. I’m not lost anymore and I know there is something I can do about making my life better! Every little victory is massive because it tells me that I am finally on the path.

PS where are the best resources and info on BPD if I wanted to do a bit of my own research on the topic?

[BPDSurvivor]

I’m not a Dr @Little_Leopard , but I think you are old enough for a diagnosis once it’s clear one has reached an adult brain. It’s hard to tell but I think moreso the early 20s.

So in their teens, they may show signs, but this may solve itself after a few years. However, if it continues to impede healthy relationships years on, then you know it’s more than just a teenage brain.

It could also be a matter of learnt behaviour. If she has been around that environment all her life, maybe she doesn’t know any other way to behave?

There’s so much to consider.

The main thing with the diagnosis is that she gets the support she needs. Otherwise, the label doesn’t make a difference.

In my 20s, the label didn’t mean anything. I want ready for help. I was seen as a rebel. If you said something was white, I’d say it was black. Now because I understand more, it wasn’t so much a case of rebelling, but rather, I was so emotionally out of control that the only way of having a sense of control was when I ‘rebelled’ - but this then led to nasty consequences…

Let me know how you go @Little_Leopard 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Former-Member ,

 When you said chaos was normal, it reminded me of the time when Covid hit. Everyone was frantic and anxious. I remember my psychologist asking how I was with the covid situation. I said, ‘at least people now know how I feel everyday!’ Chaos and anxiety was my everyday life!

Im so glad to hear you are ready for support. Meds don’t ‘cure’ BPD - it needs talking therapies. Meds aid the anxiety, depression etc that may come with BPD, but it can ‘fix’ it.

 This is how I see it. It’s taken your entire lifetime to built the neural pathways in your brain to think and react a certain way. Therapy then needs you to build new pathways in your brain to help you think in more helpful ways. This essentially means BPD therapy is about changing your brain - it surely is!

i honestly feel like I have a new brain.

If I told you what my former BPD life was like, no one (not even myself) would believe what I am today. I’m absolutely in awe that I can be so high functioning now. My interpersonal skills far exceed those of my colleagues. At work, I’m in leadership, and I am always sent the most challenging staff to coach and mentor. It is so rewarding.

I have a much better relationship with my family. I understand them and they now understand me. My self harm has completely ceased. It’s onwards and upwards now!

Oh, and I read somewhere about Spectrum? Yes, Spectrum is Victoria’s only personality disorder (BPD) specialist. They work with the top specialists all over the world to provide the most effective evidence-based treatments for BPD. It is through the public mental health system.

Only issue is, which I never knew, it is extremely extremely difficult to get in. To this day, I don’t know how I got in. Hence people are not often referrred there. Think about it: if one group therapy lasts min 18 months and each group has a maximum of 8 people, there’s not many that can go through the therapy in one year. 

I guess you never know unless you try.

I know people rant on about the public mental health system, but I couldn’t thank them more. I’ve only ever been in public mental health. It’s been so effective for me. But is also means I was extremely acute and unwell with regular involuntary hospitalisations.

Just keep going @Former-Member - it’s worth it for both you and your dear son.

[Former-Member]

Covid was a breeze for me @BPDSurvivor . In fact, I now had a legitimate reason to not want to leave my home. For the first time, I didn't feel judged or ashamed for not participating in the world.  For the first time, I felt like one of them, part of a bigger whole instead of an outcast in a parallel existence. 

I have a high tolerance for pain and discomfort ( and chaos) thanks to trauma. It's a strength I'd rather not have considering what it took to develop it. Now I'm kind of afraid, what happens when I heal my brain? Who will I become? Has anything about me ever been real and authentic or have I just been engaging in trauma response behaviours my whole life? 

I have been seeing a Soma therapist this year to get better understanding of how traumas have created a disconnect between my mind/body dialogue. I'm essentially learning how to listen to my bodily reactions to my thoughts and feelings. I'm learning how to get out of the 'freeze' of the flight/fight response. I've learnt how our bodies get stuck when we are denied an appropriate response to trauma, such as fighting back or fleeing.

I've learned that victims are created due to power imbalances and I have tried to restore that balance myself by fighting back now against my primary abuser. I'm only further harming myself. I need to find a better way to escape seeing myself as a helpless victim. I know I'm not one, but, it's the effect of the conditioning that ongoing abuse in childhood creates. I'm battling that internal war still as a scared, helpless child rather than the strong, capable woman I know I am. At least, I think I am, I can't be sure, I could just be delusional. 

This not knowing myself is the most debilitating part. I don't know who is reacting or responding in situations, which is why I have isolated myself, to avoid being misunderstood or cheating myself by going into people pleasing mode. In fairness, how can others understand me or my behaviours when I don't myself? 

Sorry for the long reply, it's amazing though, how easy it is to be honest when you know the person you're talking to understands what you're going through and won't judge you.

I thank you so much for being that person for me right now. I am so thankful to everyone on the forum who has reached out to me over this weekend. For being that guiding light in the darkness. 🙏

[BPDSurvivor]

I'm glad I connected with you too @Former-Member - I also feel like you 'get it'! 

I agree that COVID was a breeze for me compared to the daily hell I was living. If anything, COVID lockdown was the healthiest healthiest healthiest I'd ever been! I had a daily routine of waking, going for a walk, coming home to work, have brekkie, work, lunch, walk, then work again. I was able to sit down for meals, I didn't have to go to the shops and Iike you, I didn't have to make an excuse for not interacting with people!

Hence, if anyone wants to know what BPD feels like, consider COVID times 10+. 

Arghhhh...BPD is soooo emotionally painful.

As much as I am well now, I still have BPD moments. Hence, I have to be watchful that my thoughts don't go into BPD mode. But then again, who doesn't have moments of anger, and impulsivity? I think we all do.

Looking back, I still think BPD is awesome to have. You end up authoring your own life and you learn so much from it. I don't regret having BPD. I've learnt to really embrace it with open arms.

[Former-Member]

@ I'm really ready to explore the BPD aspect of the way my mind processes things. Because that's all it is, we are people underneath that diagnosis

We are people in a fog searching for the lighthouse. Sometimes the fog is too thick and we crash into the rocks and capsize.

Without our vessel now we are at risk of drowning. 

Somedays feel like that, no lighthouse, no vessel, lost in freezing waters in a fog. We somehow manage to scramble ashore over the jagged rocks, bloody, drenched and sore, every muscle aching.

We happen upon the lighthouse, but, it's been converted into an Air B'nB! But we do spy the glow of a lit cigarette and we hear the sounds of muffled crying nearby.

We meet another person lost in the fog. We are still lost in the fog but we are not alone. We embrace and say:

" We will get through this fog, together."

We are many @BPDSurvivor . But, someone really should build a functioning lighthouse! 😊

[BPDSurvivor]

I hear you @Former-Member !

We can get through this fog together. And you know what comes after the fog? Always sunshine ☀️!

Im in the sunny sunshine phase now. I don’t think I’ll ever go back. 

Therapy has taught my young emotional being the skills to ‘grow up’. And once grown, it’s unlikely to be a regression.

Also, any growth is hard because it means we are stretching out of our own comforts. We must all be prepared for this.