Lived Experience Forum

[pancakes]

@Shaz51 @Anastasia @Emelia8 💙💙💙

[Emelia8]

Good night @pancakes @Anastasia @Shaz51 Hope you all sleep soundly and awaken refreshed tomorrow. 😴💕

[pancakes]

Brain is ticking over so just going to babble away here for a minute.

My head is a bit all over the place.. There were a lot of things I wasn’t happy about in my relationship with my wife. A lot of things I didn’t appreciate. A lot of things I swept under the rug. But I never saw it as anything more than me feeling unhappy.

The same kind of thing happened with my mother. I was a miserable kid, didn’t like the way I was treated, but again didn’t see it as anything more than that.

After years in therapy I can finally use the term “abusive” to describe the relationship with my mother. But even now it doesn’t come out easily. All the years of being brainwashed makes it difficult.

This week has been eye opening. With outside parties becoming privy to the inner-workings of my family (my son and ex wife) they’ve shed some light on some issues. And it feels very similar to the experience I had in therapy when coming to terms with the reality of my mother’s behaviour.

I’ve been given a lot of info to go through, to try and help me come to terms with the reality of my relationship with my wife. It is quite overwhelming. 3 different people this week have said they are concerned about me, but still I’m struggling to see things clearly. I’m finding it hard to absorb all the information, still feeling that I am at fault and to blame for things. But here I am with all this information and strangers telling me I’m not. I feel brainwashed again.

Little by little reality is starting to sink in. Im looking at my relationship with my ex with a fresh pair of eyes and I’m just… Shocked. So many things that I’ve not wanted to see, or been incapable of seeing. I don’t know what kind of world I’ve been living in. It’s survival. Same thing as when I was a kid. You can’t afford to see things clearly when you’re trapped in those relationships because you can’t live in that reality. So you fabricate your own reality, make excuses, turn a blind eye, tell yourself you deserve it…

I can’t really believe I’m here again. It’s very confusing. And my brain is working so hard to keep me in this bubble where I can’t see things clearly. But little things are coming out, little snippets, and if I can stop telling myself it’s my fault for a few minutes I can see it a bit easier.

All these ugly terms are coming up again “abusive” “controlling” not words I’d have used to describe my relationship at all. It’s very hard to wrap my head around. And it’s really difficult to go through all this info I’ve been given and see it clearly. My mind keeps interrupting the process with thoughts that I am bad, wrong, deserved it etc and keeps making excuses for her.

Things are once again not as I’ve imagined them in my head. It’s very confronting. Confusing. Upsetting. It’s hard to accept—or be open to the possibility of it. But I’m catching glimpses of reality through the fog. It’s very strange to think your relationship has been one way, but in reality it’s been something else entirely.

[Anastasia]

I don't have words precious @pancakes, I hear everything and I'm thinking of you and know that there light for you and a happy future with your boy. Love and strength and hugs 💙🙏💙

[NatureLover]

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@pancakes wrote:

It’s very strange to think your relationship has been one way, but in reality it’s been something else entirely.

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It sounds like you've had a reality shock, @pancakes  😞 It sounds like a lot to process...

[pancakes]

@Anastasia Sending hugs your way 🤗 please know I am thinking of you and do care, I wish I were capable of being more of a support for you right now 💙💙💙

[pancakes]

@NatureLover yeah it’s a bit full on.. but I don’t feel alone in it anymore. But yeah it’s a bit strange, surreal. Feels like this is the point in the movie where everyone realises the main character is actually crazy, hallucinating his entire life, or something like that.. And it’s very strange to be confronted with the information that’s telling me the way I’m thinking and perceiving things is the result of her behaviour towards me. Really strange. A mind f**k really.

[Anastasia]

I understand @pancakes I'm the same. We are there for each other in spirit, no words needed 💙🙏

[pancakes]

Always @Anastasia 💙🤗

[Anastasia]

 @pancakes @Emelia8 @NatureLover