Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[DAW]

Thank you Kisia

[Kisia]

Hi Shaz51 - there's no real right or wrong. BUT both according to people I talk to and research the more the family, partner, etc learns, grows, develops the better the outcome for the person with the illness. Obviously that is prividing they dont stop thier relationship with the person. The skills you develop as you reclaim your life help in supporting them, your confidence, resilience, ability to advocate for their needs, communicating openinly and honestly, and above all regaining hope and mentoring recovery - these all help the person with the illness too.

[Kisia]

@waves well said and I agree

[NikNik]

@Kisia - @DAW's question raised something for me - 

How can we connect with our loved ones when they are unwell?

[Kisia]

@NikNik and @DAW good points! I realised it was important to find a way to connect with them outside of the illness. This often means something totally new which hasnt been "Tainted" by the illness either. Both SANE and HelpingMinds have done a blog with 5 tips on how to do this BTW. http://helpingminds.org.au/news-diary-events/blog/recovery/251-family-recovery-tips

My mum has schizophrenia so almost everything is impacted by a delision, paranoia or hallucination. But after working on being able to agree we have different opinions of reality and we will not argue over which is right or wrong. Now we regardless of what she is interpreting in a moment I will simply enjoy the moment with her. We may go for a walk along the beach. She will take her camera to take photo's of the spies as evidence. I agree that this is ok as long as she knows that Im just there to spend time with my mum on a nice walk. Every now and again she stopps and start to talk about how nice it is to just walk with me. And during those times we are connecting in a good way - without the illness. Its really nice and I treasure those moments.

[Shaz51]

Hi @NikNik

being there with them taking each step with them

and I said to my Husband when he was is hospital last year , we will go through this together

The hospital was 60kms away, so i went and stayed at the red cross opporsite the hospital and saw him everyday

[Shaz51]

and @Kisia

and when he was in hospital two days later ,  he was allowed out for 4 hours each day which was wonderful as we had walks and coffee and time together

[Kisia]

@Shaz51, yep your right, being there, being ok to talk about it and letting them know your there is so important. I found I had to set boundaries as despite what I wanted to do I just emotionally couldnt cope with hearing everything my mum says or believes - it was hurting me too much. But I always let her know that its just because it upsets me sometimes that I might need to take a quick break outside, or ask her if we can talk about something else. Now (mostly) she is accepts it (even if she gets angry in the moment) and she ALWAYS comes back and apologises, often even catching herself and saying that she understands it can be upsetting for me and so wont talk about it anymore. I always make sure she knows there is oneone she can talk to about those things tho, a counsellor, and I am always there for her appointments or if she needs me. Even if I need a quick break.

[Kisia]

@Shaz51 - those walks and coffees and time together are exactly what family recovery is all about. Its reclaiming that connection, those feelings, that support and acceptance. I think we all seek to do it in our own little way we just dont necessarily focus on it

[Shaz51]

Ha Ha @Kisia, @NikNik

so that`s what I was doing

In my mind , it was saying -- it is all about him , , why me , but then i would push the thought away