Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Kisia]

@Shaz51 I think we all think that at times. I still go back into thinking that sometimes but its about asking yourself... why is it all about them? WE are a team, WE are both hurting and being hurt by the same thing, a mental illness. We are just being hurt in slightly different ways. Although most people regardless of if they have the illness or are the carer have similar worries - dont want to talk about thier troubles because they dont want to "burden" their loved one, worry about the impact of their worries on their loved one. Want to protect their loved one. I realised the more I opened up to my mum about the impact of her illness on me (in a controlled and sensitive way) the more she realised I was impacted BECAUSE I care and BECAUSE I am not going anywhere. It means she trusts me more now actually. I had to face my demons, my hurt and my thoughts first tho to make sure it didnt come out in a way I didnt mean it to.

[NikNik]

@Kisia That's huge - that must have been a difficult conversation to have with your mum, but it paid off 🙂

For me the title 'Recovering our families' brings up for me recognition that it's not just the relationship between me and the member of the family I care for, but also my relationship with the rest of the family - and ensuring I keep those relationships strong too.

Is that a common challenge for families?

[Shaz51]

Thank you @Kisia

dont want to talk about thier troubles because they dont want to "burden" their loved one, worry about the impact of their worries on their loved one. Want to protect their loved one -- also about your comment too goes for the children

I have 4 step children who are adults now and they don`t know everything about their dad

[Kisia]

I found the biggest things that stopped me from recovering myself were things I told myself (and were completely untrue).

- I cant focus on myself because I have to be there for them when they need me - Turns out being there too much meant my mum thought I thought she couldnt do it herself. It also meant she never learnt how to do it herself. Now we talk about the risks, I tell her my worries about something and say I trust and believe in her if that is what she want to do but let her know a plan if it doesnt work (ideally we come up with the plan together or in the case of suicide ect I just tell her what I will do regardless of what she says). 

- Im not the one hurting - Thats not true and it turns out that this made my mum feel angry that I "didnt trust her", "didnt think she could do things herself", "thought I was better than her", and meant she lost her relationship to me of parent because I wouldnt let her be in that role.

- Im fine - Sometimes true but most times we just dont let ourselves stop and reflect. If in a counselling session or at a carer training session you are completely fine then great, however most people realise at those times that they too need support, information or just a little emotional boost. 

[Kisia]

@Shaz51 everyone is entitled to their privacy but I always think... it is only due to stigma and incorrect information that we fear talking about mental illnesses. Would his situation be kept from the kids if it was cancer? Thats always my comparison. Sure they might not join in at appointments (but maybe sometimes they would).

[Shaz51]

@Kisia, @NikNik

It is so easy for us carers just to do these things instead of standing back or letting them do it

[Shaz51]

You are soo right @Kisia

when my husband was in hospital he only wanted to see his daughter and me

[Kisia]

@NikNik you raise a good point about the WHOLE family. We can really get so caught up in how the person with the illness is going, or how the main carer is going that the other family members get forgotten. Thats a big issue for say a couple when one parent is the primary carer for thier child- the couple stop being a couple and doing romantic things. Or one sibling my feel left out when their parents focus on thier sibling with a mental illness. This means each individual relationship need to heal or "recover" but also the whole family unit. All doing things together.

Im still working on that with my family. Its taken many years, tears and hard conversations for me to learn that they have had a hard time too. Many of my cousins went told about what was going on and there was a lot of guilt, fear and hurt by all members. Slowly we are building that bridge again. Some of us talk more than others, some are more open but for the first time in almost 20 years my uncle is talking to my mum again. Thats something I never thought would happen and is all about him healing.

[NikNik]

*rings a bell*

About 10 mins left for tonight's session. If anyone has any other questions for @Kisia please be sure to post soon 🙂

[Kisia]

@Shaz51 I know my biggest fear is what if it goes bad again? So I use to step in to stop that. Both as I thought it stopped my mum's hurt but also the problems it caused the "damage control" as I call it. But then I realized an illness will have relapses regardless and she can't possibly recovery while I do everything for her. So now its small steps, I talk to her about getting her to do something and have a back up plan. She's now doing so many things I never thought she would and she's actually happier than I ever thought she would be. Which has jsut given me more courage to keep on with my recovery and pushing for our family to recover.