Lived Experience Forum

[Shaz51]

hello and sending hugs @Former-Member , @eth , @CheerBear , @Former-Member 

[Former-Member]

@eth what I mean is that this seems like something that is only appropriate for people who already have a decent establishment of self-care, sort of a "step up" if you will. Something I really struggle with is finding resources for self-care that are more at the level of someone who has no establishment yet and where basic distraction skills are not sufficient, or even counterproductive because there is no foundation there for them. 

I missed out on having parental figures who bothered and cared to develop that area of functioning in me (or any at all) and that makes developing and establishing it as an adult extra difficult. I have had various mental health professionals try to use distraction skills for me, but if anything, they lead to more self-neglect and self-destructive and addictive behaviour, which is the opposite of what needs to happen. 

Therefore, this type of info is something I find rather trite and roll my eyes at. Whether it means to or not, it makes it sound as if those examples are always effective and that self-care is simple and easy. 

[Former-Member]

It also borders on the line of where info about self-care becomes useless because it is making self-care out to be this all fabulous cure for everything, and that it will rid you of your mental illness because of it. Obviously that is false and I wish that message didn't exist. It makes it harder to believe that it has any real use or benefit, and harder for me to be willing to use and engage with it. 

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

For a long time I did the internal eye roll with ... self care lists and ... would never bother with any apps etc ... cos that would send me silly because of my own history of trigger and trauma.  Someone online posted that I triggered myself, I had not even realised the truth of that, at first I was quietly offended, but did not retort, eventually saw that it was true and I started recognising what was happening to cause that.  SInce then my self triggering and other triggering has reduced.

Doubt I will ever go the app way, but in last couple of years I have been able to open my mind to the concept of self care.  Only in the last 2 years tho, and I am old, mostly it was "I am disposable", caring is only for others etc ... it has been a big shift for me ... no it is not a cure all ... IMO there are no panaceas ... not meds ... not counsellors ...

I used to say Gently Bently to end my posts, as that was probably a way I had of calming myself down ...

[Former-Member]

That's nothing against Black Dog Institute by the way, I read and follow their research on novel treatments regularly and am glad for their efforts in that realm. This one is just.... One that seems ridiculous and far too simplistic. But that has always been my attitude towards self-care activities as an older teen and adult. 

Self-neglect is one of my largest problems functionally in day to day life. For me it is a side effect of having the wrong body and the conditioning of my child abuse surrounding the area of being a trans person. It is my only way of coping with it when transition resources are not available. I believe my body deserves it because it isn't mine and it is a way of proving that having it causes damage to me and my life. Even though my self-concept has slowly progressed away from the abuse towards being trans, actually changing behaviour and replacing it with the healthy alternative when this body remains to be a massive threat is a real struggle for me. 

I have my days where there are small moments I wish it could change, but I quickly squash that as "wishes aren't based in reality". "Wishes are worthless unless they are actually achievable". And as of yet, there are never moments where I genuinely want to change because that has only ever happened when change was actually possible and there was a forseeable future without the behaviours. 

Eg, I was only able to genuinely decide for myself to stop abusing the drugs I did in the past when I had no other option but to do so, because not doing it would have delayed the process of being able to medically transition even further, and I only stopped certain self-harm after I had been on testosterone long enough to start seeing real changes that proved I was getting somewhere I needed to. Conversely, my ED got much worse after I found out I would not be getting top surgery because my public trustee at the time refused to pay for a consult, and it wouldn't have mattered because I had nowhere near enough savings in the end, and has only gotten worse from there because testosterone has limitations that are rather significant in my body dysphoria's case. 

The same is applicable to my personal hygiene and my ability to wear and own clean clothes that aren't ugly and that fit me properly, as well as my ability to clean my environment (although that is more a motivation issue and being used to existing in filth because of child abuse/ a re-enactment behaviour)

Also, what do you mean by self triggering, if its OK to ask?

[eth]

Hi @Appleblossom  I think the above post might be meant for you, at least the question at the end of it.  It seems like you have some sympatico with BeenThereDoneIt.

@Former-Member  My adult child is transgender, has been on T for several  years and has transitioned away from being assigned female.  They identify as being non-binary and if they have to pass for something binary when out in the world they prefer to be he/dad.  I have been there for them through quite a lot of the feelings/habits that you refer to.  I am happy to discuss the topic with you more if you'd like to, but perhaps on a different thread.  If you have one please tag me there.

Meanwhile all I can really say is that self-care and managing mh challenges look different for everyone and different things work for different people.  Some of the resources on this page will be helpful for some people.  I'm in no way claiming that it's a route to a 'cure' as such.   Personally, with bipolar 1 (and other mh diagnoses/challenges including complex PTSD since my teens and I'm 56 now) I can't expect to ever be completely cured.  But I do believe in a model of recovery similar to Recovery Model , wherein I can do some things that ameliorate my symptoms somewhat, even temporarily, and have some goals that give me back my sense of purpose in life.   And manage well enough to stay safe and out of hospital and maintain some stability in my life.  But sometimes life gets as rudimentary as getting through the next 10 minutes safely for me and I have to go right back to the most simple of things like sitting outside for 10 minutes or eating a piece of fruit, or lying down and doing some deep, slow breathing.   Baby steps as they say.

Some of these threads ... Coping Box , toolbox , Re: what’s in your tool box ? ,  might contain even one little thing that interests you or that you might want to give a try.  (I think I sent them to you once before).

Another thing I find helpful is having a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP - you can google it) which contains such things as a 'toolbox' list and a 'what things look like when I'm doing well' section - that I revisit if I'm not doing as well for prompts to things I can do to feel better at least for a while.  I also go to it when I'm doing well and add to it if I've found something new.  There's a lot more in it too.

https://mentalhealthrecovery.com/wrapapp/  is one way of doing it, but there are free versions online or you can just buy the workbook for around $20.  I've had mine for several years now and find it invaluable.

Take care and stay kind everybody here.  

@Shaz51 @CheerBear @frog @outlander @Faith-and-Hope @Teej you might know of some other threads to mention here.  One that Teej started just recently that's working for me at the moment is Challenge of the day! 

[Former-Member]

@eth Yeah, I understand and respect that it is different for everyone and this will help some people. Its just too far ahead for me, like say expecting a person to drive a car when they have never even been in one, never mind had any lessons or received any license to do so. That's probably not a realistic example. Perhaps being expected to not drown in a swimming pool when you've never been in one and have no swimming skills is better. 

There's a reason it is a process, like getting to know the swimming pool area, sitting on the edge and putting your feet in, using floaties and going to lessons to name a few parts of the process. This type of thing would be at the level of having moved up a class or 2 and no longer needing floaties, if that makes any sense, and I am still at the looking around the swimming pool area, maybe have sat at the edge a few times but it hasn't worked out for me yet. 

I've heard of tool boxes and WRAPS but neither have actually helped me. For me, most days, 10 minutes is like running a marathon. I've never had a break from my symptoms, and none of anything like that, or meds or any therapy has ever changed that. Why, I'd pay a lot to discover because it makes reading other people's success stories horrible. 

But anyways, guess I shouldn't have commented and sorry for sending your thread on a tangent. I'll not comment anymore. 

[eth]

@Former-Member   It's not my thread!  I might have started it but I'm just one of the contributors.  And offering a supportive ear if you want one.  Just thought you might want to have your own thread about some of the topics you mentioned.  

However the thread is in the Useful Resources part of the forums, and we could maybe have a chat in another area such as Something's Not Right or Our Stories.  It's up to you.

(Edited twice)

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member 👋  

I thought the examples you used were good ones to express how you feel .... very relatable, and like @eth  I am glad you spoke up here ..... you matter and how you feel matters .....

As @eth said, we might start threads, but they actually belong to everyone under the guidelines, so everyone is welcome to contribute / comment, with respect ..... even if there are differences of ideas or opinion, which there often are 😏.  

When approached with kindness, there is room for everyone here,  It's part of what makes the forums special.

[eth]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope