Lived Experience Forum

[Franscene]

Hi, as you may have gathered I'm new to this forum. Why am I here? I am hoping that by reaching out to others with similar experiences to my own I may gather the strength and insight I need to help me "move on" - whatever that means. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since my teens, however, I have memories of "catastrophic" thinking linked to my OCD since the age of 4. That was 40 years ago so it's been a while. My main issues at the moment centre around avoiding the things I need to do in order to lead what I see as a fairly "normal" (sorry I'm obsessed with inverted commas) life. Things like cleaning my ridiculously messy house so my kids can have friends over. Things like getting a job so I can contribute financially to my family. I almost feel as if I have given up trying because it's easier. I can't fail if I don't try. I am overwhelmed to the degree that my anxiety levels sky-rocket when I consider or try to deal with these issues. Ironically, not doing anything also causes a great deal of anxiety. It's one thing for me to be a failure it's another entirely to take my family down with me. I have two children who I love immensely (I worry a lot about them) and a kind, loving and considerate husband. I have supportive friends. I have everything in place to make for a happy existence. I get fleeting moments when I see it, when I realise how lucky I am but they are few and far between and pretty soon I'm consumed by my dark thoughts. I see a shrink, take SSRIs and benzodiazepines when needed. I also rely a little too heavily on codeine. I have recently started engaging in mindfulness meditation which I feel has great potential. Sorry to waffle on, there is so much more I could say but that's enough for now. So worried as it is about posting this and about how others may perceive me. Thanks for reading .

[Ellie]

Hello Franscene. I'm a newbie to the forum too, so I'll leave it up to the mods to formally welcome you.

For a start off Franscene, you're not a failure. You have an illness that keeps you from fully enjoying life and that's not your fault. You mention that you have a kind and loving husband and supportive friends. That must be of great comfort. OCD can be a terrible thing. I have it in a mild form along with BPD. I also suffer great anxiety kind of spontanously, sometimes triggered and sometimes for no apparent reason at all, but it's horrible and I really struggle with it, so I feel for you.

Hope to see you posting more.

Ellie.

[Alessandra1992]

Welcome aboard Franscene! Its tough going when we are struggling with our mental health and trying to change.. Trapped in indecision for any reason increases my anxiety always..and boy do I relate to trying to be ordinary with housework so kids can come over.
I don't think you are taking your family down with you..sometimes I think we are teaching each other acceptance...

[Baboo]

hello 🙂

I hope you find this forum a really good connection to people who can support you if and when you need it.

I think it can be hard for any one to be completely happy and content in their lifes- we all have so many pressures and so called " expectations" to what we should be living up to in life.

Im glad to read you have supports at home with friends and family. 

What sort of things do you do to help your self when your really anxious?

[Aonaran]

Hi Franscene,

Thanks so much for your post, and welcome to the forums from another relative newbie.

I got a big smile from your username, which I'm assuming is a clever play on words (something that always delights me!).  And I got a gentle smile of recognition from your description of your struggles, that forked dilemma that is housework (oh, I can so relate!  I have a dying air conditioner that I desperately need fixed, but I put off making the appointment because I don't want anyone to see the state of my house!  Which discomfort is going to win out?!)

But Franscene, i quietly admire you for the achievements you've shared -- a successful relationship and two kids, all while keeping yourself afloat.  That's not nothing, so the gentle applause you hear from off in this corner is for you.

I look forward to hearing more from you, when you're ready to share.

Kind regards,

Aonaran

[Alessandra1992]

Loud applause from this corner!! Clap, hoots and a lot of stamping of feet in unison..
Sharing stories helps us all build different views and perspectives..that we bring a collective experience enhanced by our own individual journeys..

[peace]

Hi @Franscene.<br><br>yeah I know about the disableing anxiety, the ridiculous worry and depression. And of course the despair of not even trying cause failure is all too much of a reality. I seem to take the same meds as you, all three. Its survival for me. I don't have as much support but thru the years I have paid for plenty of ears. Here it free and so definitely understood with true compassion. My psychiatrist wants me to go onto a mood stabilizer as well but the anxiety I feel just to try it is too overwhelming. I use many different meditation techniques and I have to say it truly helps me to connect to a more calmer and at times more loving place. None of which help when I am in the throws of the anxiety which depletes me to a point thatI cannot do a danm thing but fear this world. I risist life.

[peace]

Hi @Franscene.<br><br>yeah I know about the disableing anxiety, the ridiculous worry and depression. And of course the despair of not even trying cause failure is all too much of a reality. I seem to take the same meds as you, all three. Its survival for me. I don't have as much support but thru the years I have paid for plenty of ears. Here it free and so definitely understood with true compassion. My psychiatrist wants me to go onto a mood stabilizer as well but the anxiety I feel just to try it is too overwhelming. I use many different meditation techniques and I have to say it truly helps me to connect to a more calmer and at times more loving place. None of which help when I am in the throws of the anxiety which depletes me to a point thatI cannot do a danm thing but fear this world. I risist life.

[Franscene]

Hi Ellie,

Thanks for your kind words. I tried to reply to your post a while ago but somehow I mucked up and it got lost somehow. So I'll try again. My anxiety is sometimes triggered by obvious external events. I find it extremely difficult when there are a few things going on at the same time. Suddenly, it all seems too hard to handle and my anxiety levels are ridiculously high. As far as the spontaneous anxiety my doc tells me if I examine things a little more closely (by for example keeping a mood diary) I may actually find the cause of my anxious feelings. Will try to give this a go!

Take Care

[Franscene]

Hi Alessandra,

Thanks for your warm welcome and taking the time to reply. I read a long time ago that the French refer to OCD as "the doubting disease". So apt a description. I find it hard to make decisions because I fear that I will make the wrong one. "What if....?" 

Even posting here is very hard for me. I feel so scared to hit post. "What if someone thinks "why did she bother?"  What if i spell something incorrectly? Etc., etc. 

Thanks for your view about teaching others acceptance. A lovely idea.

Franscene