Lived Experience Forum

[Balnorcia]

Hey there
I’m not going to get into the background of everything, one thing is that we’ll be here forever but I also assume it’s much like everyone else’s.
I have diagnosed chronic depression and social anxiety, a few other things that aren’t diagnosed officially, only because I stopped going to my appointments.
Long story short, mental illness is something I’ve dealt with for a long time yet have never had under control. Therapy never helped and medication heightened my paranoid. Hobbies don’t keep me distracted and drugs are not a long term solution (nor is it any solution anymore, 7months clean).. I’ve just learnt to get used to it in a sense and accept it. I know that’s probably one of the worst things but I felt so helpless, still do. The rest is kind of like a movie – I felt my life was one episode until, yes, I met a boy. He lived in another state to me and wasn’t the best influence but I fell in love with him. He saved my life more times than I can count; he was the first person to care for me properly. He convinced me to stop drinking, stop smoking, stop doing drugs and all the other dangerous crap I was into. He without a doubt helped me out of the darkness, without even realising it. I knew I HAD to be with him, so when the opportunity came to actually be with himI dropped everything – a potential career, my family and friends, my kitten Obama – everything, to move to a different state and live with him and his family. Things were good, really good but then those dark feelings came back along with the bad voices in my head. I’ve told him about my mental illness before, he knows what I suffer from but that’s it. He doesn’t understand it, nor does anyone up here. I’m not annoyed, it’s how he was raised (I can tell from his parents) to think suicide is an attention thing, depression is a cop out, anxiety is weakness. Lots of times I’ll cry over the smallest things and get told off for it. That’s what lead me to this website. Right now I’m alone – not physically, but emotionally, mentally. Me and this boy have gone through a lot and in hind site, we probably shouldn’t have gotten together – we are too different and fight all the time. The good times are so good, but the bad times are scary. I run away a lot when we fight badly, and my stupid mind always thinks he’ll chase me and carry me back inside but he never does. I think I expect too much of him. It’s not like I haven’t told him what I want him to do in those situations because I have but I guess he forgets. He’s learning though, only recently though. There’s a lot of things going on here I can’t talk about as I’m scared if someone reads this and figures out who I am….I honestly am not sure I’ll survive what would happen next. This environment..it isn’t safe. Especially for someone as weak as me. I hate it, but I’m trapped here. My parents long ago rejected my (due to my mental illness, they didn’t understand and simply didn’t want to. They payed for an apartment for me to rent – part of me thinks they were secretly hoping I’d leave their lives. Not once since I moved here have they made plans to see me or for me to see them). Ahh this is probably getting too long but I have so much to say. Really what I want – or need – is someone I can talk to who will listen and just, get it. Someone who gets what I’m going through and can simply talk to me. If I find anyone here I’ll go into more detail about my life, as I currently have no other people I’m allowed to talk to (long story). If anyone has bothered to read this…thank you….if anyone got this far and wants to message me, I beg of you to. I can’t be alone anymore.

[Artaud]

Hi Balnorcia

It is Artaud one of the moderators for tonight. Just welcoming you to the forum. I hope you will get plenty of support from fellow posters

[frog]

Hi @Balnorcia Welcome to the forum. It sounds really tough for you at the moment. I can empathize with serious anxiety and depression and you will find heaps of us here. You seem a bit stuck in the current situation, which is another thing I've experienced. Are you able to work or have interests outside your household? Both are really hard to do with depression and anxiety hanging over you, but if you start really small you might be able to build from there. Coming on here is good. I find that having people who just get it is an outlet that helps me keep going in real life. There are social threads as well as heavier ones where you can just be honest about what's going on for you. My motivation for joining the forum was to get and give solidarity. It has delivered in spades. Have a look around. I'll tag you in the good morning thread (which runs all day) and is one of the lighter ones. Take care

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Balnorcia and welcome to the Sane forums.  Yes I read all of your opening post.  

As @frog said, it sounds like you have lots going on right now, and I'm terribly sorry to hear that you're in the position you're in.

You may benefit by talking to an online counsellor.  Can I suggest you check out the numbers listed under the "Get Help" tab at the top of this webpage.  Weekdays from 10am to 10pm I would recommend the Sane Helpline on 1800 187 263. Or you can phone Lifeline at any time on 13 11 14.  There are other numbers listed there as well which you might be interested in trying.  Keep these numbers handy for any time you feel overwhelmed or otherwise at risk.

I expect you'll received other responses here throughout the weekend from other people who relate to your story.  I too have experienced thoughts of self harm.  Although I am diagnosed with PTSD, which is an anxiety disorder, I also experience bouts of deep depression.  Its then that my thoughts tend to become self destructive.

If you'd just like someone to talk to sometime, please tag me in, and I'll be here for you if I can.

Kindest

Sherry

[Maggie]

@Balnorcia Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm reading and listening. Things are really hard for you atm,mid you can, keep talking.

[Balnorcia]

Morning @frog @Former-Member @Maggie thank you guys so much for replying, I honestly didn’t think anyone would. I have so much to say but I didn’t want to bore or overwhelm anyone reading who had even the slightest intention of replying.
frog I wish I had work, but I love in the middle of no where and have no way of getting into town to buy food half the time, let alone work. My boyfriend is protective and especially since I’m new to this area, he doesn’t want me catching public transport as the people around here are very dodgy. It definitely makes me feel hard to be independent. A while back I brought up wanting to start seeing a psychologist again as I could feel the bad things getting worse, but it was apparently “out of the question” as no one would be willing to drive me to appointments regularly. And this was at the time when me and his family got along. These people are very different to me and do things differently; it has definitely cause drama between us. Some stuff happened where they accused me of talking to a family members ex (and sharing what’s been going on, which they then apparently threatened to go to the police about) and ever since then I haven’t been trusted. On more than one occasion I’ve been told by my boyfriends parents (whom we live with) that one more ‘wrong move’ and they would, and I quote, “help [me] pack up your f*cking shit, drive you to the train station and leave you there - and you are never to f*cking come back”. I used to love these people but yes what you’re thinking about them is pretty much Trae. I’m conflicted because I feel like I have to respect my future in-laws but they are manipulative tyrants. My fb has brothers and none of them would dream of even swearing at their father for risk of pretty much getting abused. Don’t get me wrong he can be so lovely and understanding, but if he’s in a bad mood he will take it out on anyone and everyone. The mother in law, is similar but not as aggressive - I’m sometimes scared she manipulated my fb and tells him bad things about me. That’s not an over reaction either. If I am to talk to someone she doesn’t like, she’ll be messaging him about it saying me and said person are talking poorly of her which is completely wrong (one memory comes to mind we were talking about our sex lives and because we were whispering that automatically meant we were gossiping about her and I got in trouble with my boyfriend, although we later cleared things up). I hate it so much here - it’s definitely better than living with my parents but these people....I don’t know it’s too much. I’m scared for my mental welbeing as well as my physical. I don’t want you guys to worry, I’m safe - my bf would protect me with his life - but he can only do so much...and they are his family after all and I cannot bear to cause a divide between them (he loves family more than dom does in fast and furious). I’m at a loss

[Former-Member]

Oh dear @Balnorcia, I really feel for you.  You're really in such a difficult 'no win' situation there.

Is there any chance that you and your bf could leave and get a place of your own to rent?  To me, it sounds like the in laws are trying to break you down, or bust you and your bf up.   I just think it sounds like a dreadfully unhealthy place to be.

I'm so sorry I dont have any answers for you. I think #1 priority needs to be to get you some support, and that may mean being able to see a counsellor or psych.  I'm really pleased that your bf loves and cares for you, but with the barrage of criticism he'd be getting from the rest of the family, about you, its a very difficult position for him to be in too.  Gosh, I dont know what I'd do.  So sorry.

Sherry xx

[Balnorcia]

@Former-Member You don’t need to apologise I’m in an incredibly difficult situation and I really do believe at this point there are no solutions and that I’ll just have to wait it out. Find our own place to rent is our no 1 priority- or more like dream - at the moment but neither of us have jobs (I’m on Centrelink at the moment) and our savings isn’t that impressive. I was talking to him last night and something he said made me feel really down: he doesn’t plan on getting a job until next year, as he wants time to himself and to relax. But he also said I should get a job. This upset and annoyed me as it’s hard for me to leave the bedroom due to my anxiety let alone the house, and now I feel a bit pressured. We both live off my Centrelink payments (as soon as I moved in, his parents stoped paying for things for him like his phone bills and they just assumed I would. I even used all the money I had just to pay for his license as his parents wouldn’t pay yet somehow expected him to get it) he’s bad with money and I’m bad at saying no when he asks for some. This will sound pathetic please don’t judge me too harshly but they only thing I ever by for myself is my smokes ($25 a week). For him, I payed $185 for a present because he kept nagging me for it, I always let him convince me to spent money on his phone apps and food and lots of other things. He knows I can’t say no and I think he abuses that a bit. (I am weak yes but wasn’t always this way, he’s gotten better but in the past when I told him no to things like that he would get very...angry. He gets it from his dad). All in all I’m scared we won’t be able to leave this place for a long time and I won’t survive much longer

[Former-Member]

@Balnorcia, I really hate to put a dampener on this relationship of yours, but it just doesnt sound healthy.  I'm sure there's a lot more involved than what you've indicated here.  But truly, after reading what you've written, I'm concerned for you.  Please try to stay strong.

Sherry

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[Balnorcia]

@Former-Member we’re fighting so it’s the only time I’ll admit this but you’re probably right, and it’s making my mental health worse. I’ve been told by (ex) friends that he was emotionally abusive but I never listen. And if you hadn’t guessed already, yep that’s why they’re ex friends. He is good to me and he’s definitely getting better, but it’s one of those ‘the good times are really good but the bad times are really bad’. Sometimes I feel he doesn’t make sacrifices like I have for ‘us’. And have been told by his brother that it doesn’t appear he respects me. I love him and I know he loves me to, a lot. Things have been shaky but he has proved that me, I just wish he’d tell me. I get he isn’t one of those emotion type people, but I need him to compliment me and tell me he loves me without me having to beg him to. Any suggestions?