Lived Experience Forum

[meggles123]

Hi everyone, since i was a kid i have always known i am so much more emotional than everyone else. As i’ve gotten older and had some terrible things happen to me it’s turned into BPD.  I feel like no one takes me seriously, i feel like im screaming and no one can hear me. I have lost all my friends and my current boyfriend is the best thing that’s ever happened to me but im destroying us. I can’t help but lash out at him over nothing. It’s not a little bit of anger I mean i could hurt him or anyone that makes me feel a certain way. I can’t even process things anymore, i try to think of what made me sad or angry etc and i go blank then i start to question myself. i’m really losing it, i don’t feel real. i can’t stop thinking bad thoughts and i just want to end it all. I’m like a virus i infect people with my pain and scare them away when i really just need a hug and for someone to believe me. I really need help. please. i’ve turned to substances and that’s not real help. please i just need to hear that someone understands this feeling. 

[tyme]

Absolutely @meggles123 ,

I hear you loud and clear.

Firstly, I want to welcome you to the forums. 

Through your post, you are pretty much describing my former life. For nearly 2 decades, I live with angry outbursts, rages, absolute emotional dysregulation to the point of finding myself in dangerous situations. 

At first, I blamed everyone else. But wherever I went, the situation followed me - this was when I reflected and 'woke' up the fact that the issue was me. 

At that time, my sense of self was so limited. I'd switch between the extremes of being super capable to being like a child needing care. I flipped from adoring people to hating them. These switches changed so regularly that not even I could keep up.

After trying so many supports, therapists and medication, I labelled everything as 'fail'. I wasn't getting better. I spent a lot of time in hospitals, and emergency departments.

Then it came to a point when I was in a prevention and recovery centre that my clinician pretty much said, "Are you sick of being sick?" I didn't answer then, but I knew what the meant. 

I needed to come to my senses and do something for myself if I wanted to change.

From there, I was accepted into a MBT clinic (mentalisation based therapy) for my BPD. It took a good 2-3 years for things to begin changing. But it did.

I don't regret a single bit. I'm in an awesome place now, and I spend a lot of my time advocating for those with BPD. 

People may tell you it's a life sentence, but I know for a fact that BPD is very treatable. You just have to be willing to do the hard work to make those often uncomfortable changes.

I'm here if you need an ear to listen....

Honestly, I've been down that tough BPD road, but every moment has been worth it.

You are not alone.

[Tilz]

@meggles123  Hi How you doing now? what makes you to think like this? We are always there to listen whenever you need. Lets talk. I'm sure it will make your mind relax. What does bother in your mind?  I think the people who are emotional are the best people in the world. Because they feel everyone. And only thing they should develop is to stand strong with all barriers.

[MayaBird07]

Hi @meggles123 

It's really great that you have reached out. It sounds like you are going through a tough time. I can relate to your story in so many ways. 

I was always overly emotional and felt generally misunderstood most of my life. I was diagnosed Bipolar 1 in 2021, and while a diagnosis helped explain the emotional roller-coaster, I still struggled in my relationships. 

When you are in a relationship, and not mentally well, it is so easy for your mood to be influenced by that of you partner. I know I am guilty of reading into things too much, and sending myself crazy with anxiety. I don't know about you, but I then overcompensate as a people pleaser and end up putting their concerns over my own. 

Life is really hard sometimes, but try to remember as this time is temporary, and you have so far survived all your worst days.

Cut yourself some slack, and give yourself a little forgiveness. You are doing the best you can today. 

You have obviously been through something in your life, you have recognised that, I hope you have reached out to a counsellor or psychologist, trauma is trauma and no-one else has had your experience. I have found it really helpful in navigating the fluctuating emotions that come with life. 

It is really good that you reached out and I hope you continue to, even to lifeline before you think about suicide. I have had suicide ideation myself when things get hard, but my psychologist told me once ' our minds lie to us.' These thoughts always seemed to come up mostly when I was under a lot of stress. I found distraction to be my best friend at these times, netflix, sleeping. 

Please be careful with medications at this time, I know I have been really careless in the past, using with alcohol, just hoping I wouldn't wake up, but not actively trying to take my life. It is dangerous and I came close a few times to taking things too far. I am grateful now that I survived this time. And you will be too.

You are stronger than you think, because look at what you have survived. 

I hope you are ok today and reach out and let us know how you are going.

You are not alone, you are not toxic or a virus, you are going through something and it is ok to not be ok sometimes, and things will not always be this bad. Try and breathe, life is really f'ed up sometimes. That's all i've got really, and try to give yourself a little love and care today.

[tyme]

How are you today @meggles123 ?