Lived Experience Forum

[Angryant]

Seems to me that a lot of us got here through trauma as a result of crimes against us. They took away our sense of control. 

What do you think is the secret to getting it back?

[Emelia8]

So very true @Angryant ... I am one of those who is a victim of trauma through a crime committed against me. It definitely takes away any sense of control ... over anything. I'm very sorry that you are in that situation too.

Unfortunately I am yet to discover the elusive secret of being able to regain a sense of control over my mind, body or life. But I am working on it. And as I do so, I find the support, understanding and care of fellow Forum members to be invaluable. I hope you do too.

Welcome 😀

Emelia 🌸

[Zoe7]

Hi @Angryant That is a very good question. After a long life of multiple and ongoing traumas I did not ever think I could move forward from any of it. I tried blocking it all out, various therapies, medication and confronting it all - all helped to some degree but the turning point for me was recognising and accepting I could not change the past and to continue to let those that perpetrated the violence and abuse against me continue to rule my thinking and my life was also letting them continue to be such abusers. To be able to move on and move forward I needed to recognise that I could not change what had happened but I could change the way I both dealt with it in the here and now and how it affected me. A large part of that was not in forgiving those people but forgiving myself. We place so much blame on ourselves for allowing these things to happen but the blame is not with us but with those that have hurt us. We learn so much about ourselves when we can let it go - we learn how much strength we have to have endured such abuse and how much courage we have to keep going. We also learn how to channel the anger and pain we still feel at times into more positive things, especially the empathy it has equipped us with that is invaluable in both helping and supporting others. Whilst none of us would not change any of that abuse in a heartbeat - it is those experiences that have made us who we are and with that comes a great empathy for other people - and that is a positive. There are of course many other aspects of our lives that are difficult for us - especially trust and relationships - but we work with what we have and little by little, step by step we can begin to rebuild a life that has both meaning and joy as part of it. The key though has to be our willingness to do that and our willingness to not let the past consume our present - and if we can do that then we are already halfway there.

[Owlunar]

Well said @Zoe7 

We can't change the past and it will always be unacceptable but the truth is we do have to accept it - because we can't change it.

That is so difficult to explain - a really knotty philosophical problem - it could keep intellectual arguments going for ever - but it is true - and I have chosed to forgive my family because there is nothing at all I can do about them and only about myself - and that's why I have - well - I think forgiven them - sometimes it's really hard to tell.

@Angryant 

I understand that what happened to you was a crime - and there are different kinds of abuse - so it's not easy to cover all I could say in one post - but when we do let it go it's for our sake and not the sake of those who have wronged us. Also - acceptance, letting go, even forgiveness can only come in our own time - when we are ready. When that time comes I hope you are able

I know that there is always the sense of the crime being terrible and that's true - it always will be and how one gets past that is not something I can explain - I have been the victim of emotional and psychological abuse and that is corosive to our spirits - crimes are legal issues and we would all want justice to be done and also seen to be done. That often doesn't happen

I really do wish I could be more helpful - I have taken ages to write this message - I actually left it here for a while and came back to it - it's a difficult subject and I am sorry whatever ever happened - happened to you.

All the best - and I really do wish you the best - and I also hope that time heals things for you

Dec