Lived Experience Forum

[Jynx]

I'm glad to hear that @Captain24. Some people figure out their purpose and follow that thread right on through life. I honestly think they're the minority though, and for most of us, finding purpose is a lifelong endeavour of exploration and growth, that can change as we do. 

I'm curious about what you mean by that - do you mean you feel like you don't fit into/belong to this life? Or that life as it is, is not really your cuppa tea? Or something else? 

[Captain24]

I don’t feel like I belong in this world. @Jynx. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 gotcha, thank you for clarifying. 

Honestly, I can very much understand why this is such a deeply painful part of the picture. There's a reason why 'belonging' is where it is on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (only things more important are physiological needs like food/drink/sleep, and safety needs like shelter and security). We're social creatures by nature, and finding a sense of community and comradery are biological imperatives. 

Well I can say with certainty that you belong here, in this community - however, your brain is telling you differently, and that's the kicker eh? Even if the community says you belong to it, hearing it and feeling it can be two different things. So I guess then I'm wondering what 'signs' or evidence does your brain have to support the idea that you don't belong here? Can you remember a time you felt like you did belong? What helped you to feel assured that you belonged to that group at the time? 

[Captain24]

There isn’t much evidence @Jynx. I do see things that make me feel like I don't belong but I’m not going to put it in here. But mostly it’s just a feeling. It’s my own fault as I’m just too much. 

[Jynx]

That is fair @Captain24 - if it is ever something related to the team, to the guidelines, or simply to your experiences here, you're more than welcome to send us some feedback via feedback@sane.org (or go here for more options). It might seem formal or seem like this isn't a 'big enough issue' to go through the official channels, but without those bits of feedback, even the small ones, we can only guess as to what our members' experiences of the forums are like (and make changes accordingly), so it's all valuable info. Or you can flick us an email via team@sane.org if it's something you want the team to know about. 

Mm it's hard when it's this underlying feeling, it can cloud how we might see evidence to the contrary - good ol' confirmation bias, where our brains are more attentive to, and better at retaining information that confirms our existing beliefs. So I guess it could be worth exploring your internal beliefs about belonging, so you might be better able to challenge them, and so that when I tell you that you definitely belong here, you're not at all too much, and that you're a wonderful human who has worth and contributes to the community just by participating in it... you will believe me 💜

Oh gawsh I am not supposed to be online still, got too caught up in our convo!! Nighty night hun, catch you tomorrow if you're about 🫂

[Captain24]

Nah @Jynx. I’d never report it. I’m just learning that there is certain times and certain staff that I need to avoid. Especially in precarious mindsets. 

I’ve been lying here trying to get to sleep but there are to many unhelpful thoughts going around in my head. 

My sense of belonging has stemmed from not being wanted or not being good enough. I need to work through this childhood shit. I keep saying it. But I guess the focus right now is just keeping me alive. My next psych appointment is Telehealth so maybe I will have more confidence in steering the conversation. 

I see my CM at lunchtime. I’m pretty nervous as I haven’t seen her since I unloaded. We did speak on the phone briefly on Friday. Hopefully it goes well and she is supportive. This is the first time in 2 years where I haven’t been up front with her. 

I am such a failure. I am a really bad person. 

[Captain24]

It’s pretty sad that the last 4 things I googled came up with the Lifeline number first. 

I wish I could go to sleep. 

Not that it matters to anyone but I am safe. 

[NatureLover]

Of course it matters to us whether you are safe @Captain24 . 

I'm sorry your psych appt was so tough. I hope the next one on Telehealth is better. When is that? 

I also have trouble leaving the house due to agoraphobia (not feeling safe apart from when I'm at home). Is yours similar, or for some other reason? E.g. depression?

I hope you managed to get adequate sleep last night. Also that your CM appt today is helpful 🤞

[Captain24]

Good morning @NatureLover.

I hope you are going ok and have a good day. 

My appointment is 3 weeks away. 

I feel like leaving the house is anxiety driven. I couldn’t even put my bins out this week. I can’t remember the last time I checked the mailbox. What if someone sees me?  Yesterday after my appointment I went to go to the supermarket and I drove around the car park and left. 

Im tired and exhausted. It’s not helping me face another day. 

[NatureLover]

3 weeks, oh no @Captain24 

Do you feel that if someone sees you, you'll have to pretend to be OK, and that's beyond you? 

I hope you can get some groceries delivered 🤞

Sounds like you didn't sleep much...I'm sorry to hear.