Lived Experience Forum

[utopia]

So I have just gone through the hardest 9 weeks of my life.  Being tested.  Waiting for surgery.  Waiting for results.  I got my results today.  Cervical polyp - normal - no cancer.  Endometrial cells - no cancer - some abnormal cells.  All clear.  Go on with your life.  Yeah,  right. 

The last few days my mood has dropped to the point that my Depression and suicidal thoughts are back. YAY. 

I am meant to be happy I am cancer free.  That I don't need a hysterectomy or anything worse.  But I don't feel happy.  I don't feel relieved.  I feel cheated.  Cos I decided if I had cancer and it had spread,  that I wouldn't seek treatment.  That I would die by my method. You see.  It was a choice.  A choice that I could make.  Where I felt in control.  I don't feel in control now.  Not in any way. I just feel,  devastated. 

When you are 51 and you have to face such fear of the unknown,  you are meant to have a loving partner with you,  to support you.  I have been single for almost 15 years.  I am tired of having to do it all on my own all the time.  The longer I am single,  the more I doubt that any man would want me. What with all my faults. 

I am so tired of always having to be strong and independent.  I don't feel my age.  I feel ancient.  I feel toxic.  I feel unloveable. 

So today I am meant to be happy.  Yet I don't.  All the last 9 weeks have shown me is that my mental health can so easily be turned on its head.  And just how truly alone I really am. 

[still_bookish]

@utopia, I don’t have the right words, but I wanted to let you know that I hear you and I really relate to what you are feeling. I had a cancer scare a few years back and after the radiologist reassured me that it was nothing to worry about I smiled and thanked her and saved my tears for the car park—because I too had decided that if it was cancer I would not be seeking treatment.

Tonight I am also feeling utterly alone. For what it’s worth, I just wanted you to know that I am sitting with you in that aloneness and despair and disappointment. Your feelings are valid. I hope tomorrow is an easier day for you. 💚

[Kitty1231]

@utopia I wish I could say or do something to help you feel better.  I am pleased to hear you have the all clear though. But can understand the build up of emotions prior this positive result. 

I haven't been in your situation with a cancer scare, but my son had cancer 12 years ago and went through all the treatment available.  He is all clear now. But needs to be check every 6-12 months.  It was a very emotional time.  

I do suffer from depression and anxiety and have been on medication for over 30 years.  My only hope was to see a psychiatrist and get on the right medication as mine is a chemical imbalance in my brain.

Maybe seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist may help you talk things out and try and help you deal with your emotions.  A psychiatrist can prescribe medication, even if its short term.

I am always hear to talk if you would like.

xx

[Rosemary4]

 @utopia  💜💜💜

Hang in there. You might be different but GA surgery (no matter how minor) triggers prolonged depressive episodes in me for  up to 6months. Strong pain killers and barbiturates do it with me too, triggers the strong SI.  It does pass. Sunshine helps, and going for walks, eating healthy... you know the drill. Please ride it out, I like you being here 🌷

[StuF]

@utopia 

Hi, I keep typing long replies to share my experience with this, then deleting them.

This is your thread.

I just wanted to support you in this. I hear you.

As @still_bookish said, I hope today proves easier for you.

[perspective]

I hear you…I’m 57 and really my love life , if I can call it that, has been a disaster.  I feel like there’s so many unworthy people in relationships because they meet a criteria of normality that I can’t achieve. It’s really hard being alone and having no one to share your shit with.  

[Shaz51]

@utopia 

sending you lots of tender understanding hugs my awesome friend xoxo
i have been through a couple situations

one, when I was single and 28 and i had a death experience before being brought back to life by the ambulance which that shocked me

and number 2 , is being married
and you know my mr shaz has the same as you , when he was waiting for his results to come back
i found it really hard trying to support him as he stayed quiet the whole time and would not talk
so by the time the results came back which was negative --- i was the one that cried

sitting with you xoxo

[Starlight]

You are amazing, wonderful and loveable! Hope things get better for you! I also have my very dark days but treasure the good ones when they come.

[utopia]

And the blood started again 5 hours ago.  There shouldn't be any blood.  The polyp was removed from my cervix.  The uterus cells show no cancer,  just a few abnormal cells.  Yet here I am,  for the 3rd month in a row,  with heavy blood loss.  3 years after menopause.  Yet the Doctors say nothing is wrong. 

Bull dust!!! 

[Shaz51]

Ohh hugs @utopia ❤❤❤